Silvio BerlusClooney

Silvio Berlusconi (2 time winner of most alarmingly lecherous world leader, voted for by readers of Heat. Don't say their political commentary isn't incisive) is standing trial (Despite having spent most of his presidency evading the inevitable) for sleeping with an under-age prostitute (A common theme with historically insignificant world leaders, for example, William Taft was under investigation for the same crime when he died, as was Edmund Ironside (11th century English king, successor to Ethelred) so we can only assume there's some sort of Napolean complex going on with these people. I should stress, I made both of those up, to the best of my knowledge, which is limited, neither broke any sort of prostitution laws). As if to point out how cool Berlusconi is, one of his 78 defence witnesses is Hollywood actor George Clooney. Lends a new meaning to the phrase "star witness". I can imagine his lawyers talking to him in the witness stand. "Mr Clooney, big fan of your work, by the way, did the defendant sleep with the claimant and pay her for the act? And will there be an Ocean's 14? Remember you're under oath not to lie." Perhaps every major trial should feature popular stars delivering prepared statements by the actual witnesses. If David Attenborough told me that someone was guilty, I would believe it even if I was the defendant. "I don't remember doing it... But I guess I must have. Take me away, officer."

Nick Clegg has hailed the "new Axis of Openness" (I cannot openly say such a stupid phrase without quotes indicating someone else said it) in global affairs. Axes are generally bad politically (The world war 2 Axis basically reads like a who's-who of nations who would go on to be the bad guys in a hackneyed and obvious American world war film, and the other famous axis was the "Axis of Evil", presumably used to lend some of the righteousness of World War 2 to the rather less morally upstanding Bush presidency) so to actively place yourself in an axis is usually something politicians try to avoid. Still Nick Clegg, and seemingly, ONLY Nick Clegg, is calling us the "Axis of Openness", on the basis we dropped bombs on someone else's country with UN backing instead of just going it alone again. See, it's the opposite to the Axis of Evil, because this is new and we've all changed! Iran is totally tickety-boo now. And we've fixed Afghanistan (In the same way as electroshock therapy fixes mental illness) so you know, CHANGE. "Just me, then. Oh." said Nick Clegg at his lonely get together for the unveiling of the Axis, before popping the loneliest party popper ever and watching the confetti float down.

New Christian books have been found in Jordan, excitingly. I saw new. Exceptionally old Christian books. Possibly written just after the crucifixion. Given the church's quick uptake of everything science produces, I'm sure the church will totally be on board with this sometime in the 24th century, after torturing the person who found them. Still, exciting. I'm curious to see what they say. "Hey guys, I know Jesus told us to be good to everyone, but I think we should follow the bible literally, ignore that weirdo.", I'd like to imagine it says. Perhaps it says "Thou shalt hide institutionalised paedophilia to preserve the church's moral authority" somewhere. ZING.

Made Up News

David Cameron recently revealed parliament's latest measure, an act passed in the last few days, which states "David Cameron is too sexy for his shirt, too sexy for his shirt, so sexy it hurts". The bill passed, despite some impassioned debate, which saw Eric Pickles accuse Ed Miliband of insecurities over his own "lanky form" calling him a "Stick insect" in a heated moment, to which Miliband shot back "If I'm a stick insect, you must be an entire tree." after which Osborne accused Margaret Beckett of having a face "So disturbingly equine that if she broke her leg, the doctor would shoot her instead of giving her a cast.". After a full day's debating, the vote narrowly passed by one vote whilst Margaret Beckett was crying in the toilets, looking at the mirror, with fellow MP Harriet Harman consoling her, and Diane Abbott saying "I look GREAT in purple. Gove doesn't know crap about colour theory". Meanwhile, Nick Clegg told his Libdem colleagues that "I'm, too sexy for your party, too sexy for your party, No way I'm dancing" to which Charles Kennedy took affront, accusing Clegg of blatant misleading of the public, and demanding that Lynne Featherstone compare their six packs. Right Said Fred were not available for comment, but a close friend said "This has gone too far. We all thought this ended in 1992 with Kinnock's Labour Conference striptease".