Libyaration!

Muammar Gaddafi, head of Libya and one-time coup d'etat champion of the world (1969, refuses to rule out a comeback) has spoken out against attempts to overthrow him (This would be less deeply ironic if he himself were not in power because of a regime change in Libya.) with dread warnings of civil war or US occupation. For starters, if the US wanted to invade Libya, they would have done it when Libya was voted "Most Mental Regime" at the annual UN vote (Most likely to succeed: India. America was the Prom Queen and Britain was the elder headmaster who ruled an empire of nations that all graduated in the 20th century), and, you know, bombed and stopped any planes flying into its airspace, rather than now, where Libya is "Most likeable trade partner, with a regime we despise but cannot do anything about." (Close seconds included Egypt and Tunisia. Seeing a pattern?). Secondly, if there were a civil war, people would be dying on the streets, killed by soldiers implementing orders, with soldiers who refuse burned in their barracks. Can you imagine such horrors in Libya? "What do you mean that's exactly what's happening now?" replied Colonel Gaddafi at a press conference. "Lalalala I can't hear you!" he sang. I swear, the middle east is in such a mess I'm afraid to click the Mid-East tab on cnn.com. Recently, Gaddafi has come out fighting, by completely denying that the protests are happening. He is genuinely going with a little-known dictatorial tactic "Ignore it and hope it goes away". Never used successfully by any dictator, but Gaddafi is a maverick like that. He's genuinely said he's loved by all of his people, except those ones protesting on the streets, and spreading rumours of his death. If there is a rumour you were shot, you are not well-liked (Unless it's just a light-hearted practical joke, but that sort of died out when that whole "We've assassinated the Archduke!" jape panned out so badly in 1914). The defence of "they all love me" is weaker than a lawyer at a court case going "You know he, uh, he don't look like he done it. The defence rests." whilst pointing at the accused in the face of a four day testimonial from the victim, a DNA expert and a witness all saying he did it.

Iran, jealous of the attention being fostered on mental world leaders, has hit back strongly in their bid to be "Most easily offended nation 2011" (If that Top Gear bit about Mexico was funny, I would have added in a joke about Mexico being strong contenders, but since it wasn't, we can knacker that joke off) with the revelation that the 2012 Olympics logo is racist. If you're wondering "How is that racist?!" then you're not mental. Well done. If you think "It spells Zion! LOOK AT IT! Of COURSE that's racist!" then you are hereby promoted to Iran's think tank on unusually mental acts (Including the recent gem to ban all foreign food television programmes (Real) and also to declare Coca-Cola an enemy of the state (Made up)) and given the role of "Executive director of insanity". The fact it's taken 4 years for them to spot it suggests that's it not a massively overt racism (Unlike the 1936 Berlin Olympics which had the logo of a persecuted minority being gassed and the 1904 St Louis games, owner of the iconic logo featuring a lynching) so we can assume it's unlikely to have been deliberate.

Traditional, home-grown good news story now (None of the high transfer price foreign news imported from other leagues) with the discovery of a new Enid Blyton book. It's not a continuation of her other series, including "Famous Five", slightly less successful "Secret Seven" and the almost unheard of "Nonchalant Nine*". All of which revolved almost exclusively around smugglers being quite bad. Enid Blyton actually infiltrated and stopped a heroin trafficking ring in 1922 under the assumed alias of Pete "White Heat" Jackson (She also infiltrated a heroine trafficking ring in 1924, from where she took Anne and George into safety). The recently found story is called "Mr Tumpy's Caravan" and, surprisingly for a book which revolves around a magic caravan, was not published, unlike the 1972 novel "Sprite", about a caravan which turned into a magic pixie at night and had adventures with little Tommy Elddis around the campsite, of course a allegorical tale to demonstrate that two large caravan manufacturers need not war over the fickle caravanner-market, which eventually won the author a Man Booker prize for stunning market insights relayed through a children's tale. (This is dependent on you knowing Sprite is a brand of caravan. I fully understand if you don't. However if you don't know Elddis is a make of caravan, shame on you)

There has been another legal appeal launched to get prisoners the vote. Britain, historically against giving prisoners the vote (Possibly on the basis that convicted rapists (The man appealing IS a convicted rapist, I'm not generalising) aren't best placed to decide the government of a nation) so this UN ruling is pretty against what we do round here, and how we roll. Fundamentally speaking, prison is a punishment. You don't get sent to your room for getting extra good grades and not punching people in the face. Rehabilitation and the associated efforts are nice (Although 40.1% reoffended as of 2008 Q1) that's not why they are there. If someone cannot make good decisions, and they have PROVED they cannot by virtue of being in jail, I don't want them voting. It's why the insane aren't allowed to vote. And Lords (Bop. That's what you get for trying to filibuster a bill to make it miss its deadline, you nonces. Feel that? That's the burn of righteous retribution). Also, this paper on reoffending rates has the alarming statistic on "Violence (Non-serious)". What's that, when you stab someone in a jokey manner? Jeez.

Non-news list of nun puns based around music. Don't say I'm not catering to a wide market.

Finally, I just watched Nuns Aloud, and, excluding the fact that it was terrible, I'm surprised the BBC didn't take a more creative pun over their simplistic wordplay. Perhaps "Nun Direction" to appeal to the youth? "Nun DMC" to appeal to the older hip-hop fans? Perhaps to appeal to the older mods, they should have gone with "The Nunkees"? Perhaps they want the 1990's Nirvana staple genre, Nunge music. Perhaps Nuns 'n' Roses would do a cover of their famous song, "Welcome to the Nungle". When do monks have their dinner? Nunchtime. Perhaps they should do a series about grammar? Call it System of a Noun! God, I'm on fire today. I feel like Attila the Pun.

*Another Footnote! The Nonchalant Nine was my particular favourite crime fighting team. "We've uncovered a smuggling ring Timmy!" "Tsk, whatever. I mean, so what, right?" and other gems including "We have you trapped!" "I guess you do. What do you expect us to do now, eh?" "Scream for help?" "You really thought we'd do that?" "...I guess not.". But only because they were more alliterative than the Apathetic Eight. Speaking of alliteration, I liked her Sibilant Six novels, in which every word began with s. For your own pleasure and delectation I have provided a list of alternative alliterative titles for future books about groups of kids.

Egregious Eight, who fail spectacularly in every book.

Disdainful Duo, a pairing who laugh in the face of the criminals. Literally. And chastise them for eating with the fork in the right hand.

Furtive Five, five people who solve crimes in increasingly secretive and complex ways.

Tricksy Trio, a group of young magicians foiling prison escapes with sleight of hand.

Fabulous Four, a group of excessively camp men solving crimes... of FASHION.

Spurious Seven, who just make up stories about them infiltrating smuggling rings, and waste police time.

Neglected Nine, who go out in their rags and accidentally discover a drug ring, but become "Mules" for money.

Sport Pull-out

It's Sunday, so it's logically time for a Sunday Sport pull out! As an added bonus, feel free to print this out, hide it in a newspaper of your choice, and then pull it out, so as to fully immerse yourself in the experience. I thought about also providing an unwanted "lifestyle" pull out for you, but if I did, the "New recipes" would be cheesey pasta and pie, the fashion segment would be a 400 word torrent of fawning affection for the humble chino and the Hollywood star we interviewed would be Nicolas Cage, who would tell us that his favourite character in Toy Story is Bo Peep.

We start with the UEFA Champions' League, for which the top four clubs in England qualify, technically making it the UEFA "Champions or quite close to being champions" league. If you don't want to know the score, forget how to read now. The biggest match for the neutral would have been Arsenal versus Barcelona. Who can forget the 2006 final between these two clubs? That finished 2-1, with two late goals from Barca to turn it around, but this time, it was Arsenal who turned the tables on the Catalans, knocking in two goals in the dying minutes to take away a victory. It was the biggest upset in terms of bookmakers since George successfully defeated the Dragon (Admittedly on points after 15 rounds. The dragon claimed that George's suit of armour was an unfair advantage, to which George replied "You what?! You can breathe fire and are a mythical flying lizard mate. People who live in glass houses and all that!" to which the Dragon replied "Did you just call me mythical?!" and George retorted in a surly manner "You heard what I said." before the Dragon stormed out of the press conference.) however, George V Dragon was not a two-legged home and away affair, more of a one-off cup final, so we'll see if Arsenal can hold their lead in the Nou Camp.

The other big result for an English club in Europe came at the San Siro, where Tottenham secured a vital away win with a 1-0 triumph over the Italian side AC Milan. A good performance at White Hart Lane could see them into the quarter finals, and hovering in the top 4 in the premier league. It could well end up being the most unforgettable season in Tottenham's history, excluding the brief period where they signed Moses on a 6 month loan from the Egyptians, whereupon he notched up 32 goals in 18 games with his trademark mix of creative flair and miraculous skill. The one-time Tablet Carrier of the year invigorated what was a flagging Tottenham side into an FA cup final appearance. Memorable stuff, I don't imagine you've forgotten it.

Nothing exciting happened in the premier league, so the whole world exploded with unbelievable fervour at the fact that Wayne Rooney scored a goal from open play. Everyone is shocked, since he's scored one other open play goal, against West Brom, that Rooney can still hit a ball into a net, despite the fact that for several months it appears some has been replacing his boots with ones made out of lead, coated in teflon, then tied the laces together surreptitiously.

Cricket world cup news now, and the 4000 match, 22 year tournament has been branded "Too long", by some players including England captain Andrew Strauss. "Please," he said at a press conference. "I just want to see my kids again.". I'm joking, of course, the tournament is 49 matches and 6 weeks long, despite the fact that only 14 teams are playing in the tournament. The FIFA World Cup had 64 matches, but had 32 teams in it. In a matches to teams ratio (The best way to judge any international sporting event, I find) the cricket world cup comes in at 3.5, whilst the football comes in at a mere 2. The rugby world cup, for comparative purposes, comes in with a 2.5 ratio. Clearly, the Cricket World Cup is preposterously long, and we could dedicate some of that time to playing proper, test cricket instead.

No time for Six Nations news, but since there are no games this week, I promise to consider devoting a large segment of the next sports pull out to it next week with update info from the games, one of which I shall actually be at.

MADE UP SPORTS NEWS

Jesus v Judas at Madison Square Gardens, it's the fight Christians have been waiting nearly two thousand years for, killing their time with rather one-sided "lions versus humans" match-ups, lions having won 402387 to humans 2 or 3*! Plenty of bad blood between these two, the prize money for winning this fight was a very deliberately chosen 15 shekels. Both men are aged, both having had the small disadvantage of being dead for nearly two millenia (Prompting some to call this a publicity stunt for money, like the Holyfield comeback), but then again, Jesus never lets a nagging doubt like having died get to him. Who can forget his Easter bout with Pontius Pilate, the Roman judge having captured and killed Jesus several days prior to the fight, was caught off guard by him turning up to the fight at all, and was clearly rattled, ruining a good solid defensive game which saw him competing for Flyweight champion of Nazareth with Jesus, four-time bantamweight champion and undead boxer of the year, who had switched down weight classes following his 40 day starvation in the desert. Judas, of course, had put all his shekels on Pilate, also thinking Jesus' deadness might ruin his boxing skills. Judas is himself a good fighter, having been the de facto bouncer at all of Jesus' bigger gigs in his youth, but Judas is largely considered more of a dirty, street-fighter than Jesus' purist style. No bets on this bout, the fight being refereed by God's laws (An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, stoning to any woman who steps inside the ring, the usual stuff), so we're looking forward to the fight, Jesus "The Bearded Bruiser" Christ versus Judas "Flaming Chariot" Iscariot, it certainly promises to be a big one.

*A footnote! Oooh, get me. The 2 known victories are Daniel, most famously, then Androcles. You know. Of Androcles and the lion? Yeah, THAT Androcles. Disputed is Hercules versus the Nemean lion, in which Hercules technically won, however, he isn't really a human. Tough one to call, as the Nemean lion was apparently invulnerable, so perhaps it should be ruled a null and void contest. Lions are notoriously competitive, they won't let this sort of thing slide.

It's like there's more News everyday!

Look out in the Middle East! In the midst of more violence, largely because of that whole ill-thought out "Shoot at the protesters! That'll make them like me more!" fallacy that dictators cling to more ferociously than a balding 50 year old clings to his youth by driving a bright red ferrari and sleeping with a trophy wife (Cindi, 22 from Essex.), William Hague has come out and said that he's... "Deeply concerned"! You tell 'em champ. Knock 'em dead. He then delivered the killer blow of condemning the genocide as "unacceptable violence" in his statement. Woomph! Take that! They're sure to stop now. Just give it a little time to let William Hague's fervent damnation of their actions to sink in (It's hard for them to pick things like this up, because their hands are slippy from all that blood on them). I think we can all surely rest easy knowing that William "The Haguester" Hague (Haguester was his school nickname, but at university he was correctly renicknamed "International criminal court", shortened to ICC.) is on the case. (As an actually politically important aside, internationally we've been cheerfully funding these nations whilst condemning them simultaneously. It's akin to giving a toddler a chocolate bar and telling he's being very naughty. But imagine your toddler was playing with nuclear warheads and committing genocide instead of smearing crayon on the walls.)

Sarah Brown has come out in support of her husband, former Prime minister Gordon Brown, whom she said was "Misunderstood", which I think is a fair representation of events. In fact, I'm pretty certain he would have done marginally better at the polls if he were, literally, constantly misunderstood, giving all of his speeches in a confusing, homemade dialect he liked to call "Broonian", of which there were no other competent speakers on planet Earth. At the very least, the time spent decoding his gibberish in post-speech analysis (Hosted by Andy Gray) would have distracted from his party's terrible decade of power. "I'm pretty certain "The cow piano giraffed the Yugoslavian princess" means he fully accepts some responsibility for the deregulation of the markets which allowed the catastrophic collapse of the economy, Karen. Over to Jim now for some analysis of the second paragraph." (As an aside, the economy collapsed more quickly and damningly than an Australian top order in the 2010/11 Ashes series. Bop. Take that, Australia). Still, it's nice to have someone come out in support of you, and I for one feel Gordon Brown was so tragically unlucky during his whole reign that he could have been in the middle of an empty field, taken one step, plunged his foot directly into a cow pat, sworn, then had a piano drop on his head. That's how unlucky he was. That said, he displayed the greatest putdown of the whole campaign with "you can't airbrush your policies like you airbrush your posters!". Bop! Take that David! He swiftly followed up with the old classic "I don't come down to YOUR work and tell you how to clean toilets!" (A frontbencher's traditional line of attack, having first been used by Gladstone against Disreali in 1892).

Prisoners have been demanding compensation for not being allowed to vote (Thank you, Brussels) but a high court judge ruled this week that none was forthcoming. As far as I can logically see, we give them every opportunity to vote, we set up a polling booth in their area, but did they BOTHER to turn up at their local primary school/ Church? I don't think so! Sure, they'll claim they were kept away by squadrons of guards and several thick, locked doors, but we've all had times we've been struck by voter apathy and it's easier to say we were locked behind bars for commiting crimes rather than openly admit to our disenfranchisement. If anyone asks me, I didn't vote in the last election because I was held hostage by the FARC group of South America. (I'm joking, I did actually vote, and by the looks of it, I was roughly one of about 40 people under the age of 20 who did).

Clegg versus Cameron, the highly awaited sequel to Alien Versus Predator, has kicked off this week, with Clegg urging people to vote for AV and Cameron urging people against it. Ridley Scott's latest venture was rated 18 for excessive political rhetoric by the BBFC who called some scenes "Distressing alterations of the truth" and in some cases "Disturbing scenes of outright lying". The unexpected third character, a highly-secret Hollywood addition, was Ed Milliband who defied his evil Labour overlord, Margaret Beckett, in coming out in favour of AV. "I know Margaret won't be happy about this" he said nervously at the press release, before Beckett swooped in from the roof and devoured his head before escaping into the ventilation systems. Labour should know better than to give press conferences on abandoned spaceships. I can only imagine this ending well for the coalition, with the winner (I'm hoping Clegg wins and we get at least the pretence of a fair voting system) will be at a press conference gloating, forming an L on his forehead with his finger and thumb, humming "Na-na-na-nana" and whispering "Loser says what?" so that Cameron doesn't hear him and says "What?".

Also in the news a while ago, which I've just remembered now, but it was funny at the time (And still is), and thus, I will link you to the story here, was that Ed Milliband admitted he was "A bit square" as a youth. In other news, the grass is green and the sky is blue. Yes, this was another incisive political interview with Piers Morgan, whereupon he asked such damning questions as "What's your scheme for evading the economic implosion that our system, which is wilfully and recklessly fuelled by borrowing, will inevitably cause in future? Surely you must agree tighter regulation of banking sectors and a separation of the riskier aspects of financial investment from the more traditional high street banks is required to help mitigate some of the risks involved in debt-trading?". Oh no. Wait, no, that wasn't what he asked. He asked "What would you do if you came on Britain's Got Talent?" and instead of responding "Use oratory rhetoric to sway a notoriously fickle public away from David Cameron's shiny face and onto my shiny policies", or the more stinging "Wonder where my life took such a disastrously wrong turn" he said "I used to be good at Rubik's Cube.". A real vote earner at the height of its popularity in the 1970s (Margaret Thatcher was elected on the back of her 4 successive UK Rubik's Cube speed championships) it seems almost outdated these days.

To those of you saying "Isn't America's deep south poverty stricken and largely neglected by politics? I remember how slowly Bush reacted to Hurricane Katrina" I've got good news! They get some things that other places would kill for. How often have you been wandering the hallways of your educational establishment and thought "This is nice, but I wish there were more airborne mammals in here."? Well, wish no more, for you could enroll at the school mentioned in this story which features bats flying round the 3rd story. Also in the original plans were Flying squirrels in every classroom which had a 1 in the number and sugar gliders on every second storey. Sadly however, these little spoilsports stopped the whole "Bats in school 2011!" campaign by protesting outside until the 3rd storey was closed off. Those monsters.

I will stress now, although technically the stories featured here are true, they may easily be shrouded in what can only be described as an intricate wicker basket of lies, holding the eggs of truth directly from the chickens of verisimilitude who reside in the coop of veracity.

PROPERLY MADE UP NEWS

David Cameron has proposed a radical shake-up of the NHS, suggesting that if Doctors could be accountants, then accountants could be doctors. "They can learn on the job" he said of the accountants, including that it would be a financial boon and that they would also keep their GP Surgeries fiscally sound. Confusingly, David Cameron responded to all questions from the press by doing nothing but quoting the 1998 Shania Twain single "That don't impress me much". On being asked if he really thought accountants could adequately do the job of doctors he replied "Okay, so you're a General Practitioner, that don't impress me much" seemingly deliberately misquoting the Canadian songstress. "So you've got the brains but have you got the touch?" he said. "Now don't get me wrong, yeah I think they're alright. But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night." he replied on being asked if he was deliberately setting up the NHS to fail. "You think you're a genius, you drive me up the wall!" he blasted at one press officer who queried his methods for the NHS, and in particular GPs, by quoting the ennobled Canadian (Order of Canada) back at the prime minister with "C'mon baby tell me, you must be jokin', right?". Mr Cameron then stormed out with a final retort, "Okay, so whatta you think, you're Elvis or something?".

My Life as a Debt Addict

I remember a time before I was in debt, a happier, carefree time. But then it all started. You know how it is, one night down the pub, with some friends, you run out of money and ask one of them to lend you a couple of quid for your drink. "Sure" he says. "Pay me back when you can." he adds. That sharp, illicit thrill of buying a drink on credit, that delicious mouthful of fiscal abdication. I was gone from the moment he agreed.

Of course it started out small, a few pounds for lunch here, a tenner for the train home, that sort of thing. But then, in only the space of a decade of increasing boom and without the awareness of the inevitable bust, I had become a debt addict.

I used to just get a hundred pounds or so from, say, Quickquid, "Just to tide me over till payday" I would say to myself as I accepted their exorbitant interest rates. They were only little loans, but the interest rates made it oh so thrilling to use. I couldn't resist the easy availability.

Later, I recieved a credit card from the bank, which was to be the last time I really considered what I was doing to be wrong. From then on, I was deemed fiscally responsible enough to maintain a credit card and the ensuing debt that comes with it.

Then it came to the big ones, a loan here, a loan there, then I remortgaged my house. I was continually hanging round outside the banks, looking for my debt fix.

Eventually though, the banks stopped giving me easy debt, the credit had started to dry up, but I'd become addicted, I couldn't live without the debt, so I had to find... Other methods of getting the debt. That's when I met Mark. Mark "the Shark" he was called. He could set you up with a little bit of debt, but it wouldn't come cheap, and you better pay him or you wouldn't just be refused service; you'd be refused use of your legs.

I started then to realise that I was in too deep, I needed out of the credit system, and that's when I thought it would be financially expedient to fake my own death and start life again in Panama.

As retold to me by John "Canoe Man" Darwin.

Admittedly, he didn't say any of this, but he might have done. So I feel I'm pre-emptively quoting him. But I cannot stress enough that I am not quoting him at all.

More News (Might become regular)

Sorry, there's so much news I literally couldn't help but condense it into a series of meandering and ultimately uninformative paragraphs full of self-indulgent whimsy and no more than a teaspoonful of self-awareness. The perfect recipe for a blog post, then.

The Government backed down on its plan to sell off the forests. "It's what we've always said, we're not selling the forest." said a spokesperson. Being a leading politician losing a key issue is a lot like being on the wrong side of a marital argument, you have to endure a humiliating comedown and then pretend that it was what you wanted all along. "I've always wanted to see Warsaw in winter, and being with him/her gave me the chance to do that!". Although, to extend this metaphor, your partner would have to call you "out of touch" from the other side of the building built in the 11th century surrounded by armed guards. If you look out of touch to the people on the other side of that room, imagine how you look to voters.

In other news that will affect approximately 4% of Britain's 8 to 13 year olds and literally no-one else, Panda Pops are ceasing production (As an aside the 8-13 year old demographic is key to anyone looking to shift low quality carbonated beverages. Sadly, in recent years Barr has cornered this market quietly yet efficiently, closing Panda out of the market. Just the other day I was reminiscing on the fact I hadn't seen a Panda Pop in nigh on 5 years whilst walking past a selection of Barr's bottled beverages. Come to think of it, I don't think I've seen Kia-Ora or Um Bungo in ages either. Bring back British childhoods. Starburst to go back to being called Opal Fruits for a start.

Of course, this was also the week of Valentine's day, a now traditional ritual of doubt in your own relationship combined with a nagging fear of being single. Particularly high selling cards this year were "You're the BEST! That I can do." and "Let's stick together! For economic reasons." compared with pre-bust era cards including "Let's have more kids: We can afford it" and "Let's get that new kitchen together on credit!". This only applies if you're in a relationship. If you are not, it is a time for quiet contemplation on why you're so desperately alone. There's plenty of fish in the sea, but you don't appear to be at the sea, you're in the middle of the desert holding a fishing rod and looking confused. Either way, it's a day of the extreme of desperately pretending you're happy with your relationship status.

I'm getting bored of the political upheavals and increasing protests in the middle east, so we can safely say that the following North African and Middle-Eastern countries are doing what I call "Pulling a Tunisia": All of them. Except Iraq. We brought democracy over there and handed it over ourselves. The whole region is wobblier than a drunkard unexpectedly finding himself on a treadmill without handles. Wait no, news JUST in, would you believe. If I had a reporter in Iraq, I'd be switching to him as he hurriedly threw on his tie and stepped in front of camera. But since we can safely assume I don't, I'll just tell you the northern region of Kurdistan appears to be undergoing similar strife to everywhere else, with the now traditional dictator-staple of firing on innocent protesters in order to quell dissent, rather than addressing your flaws as a leader (Firing on civilians is generally considered quite the world leader faux pas). I've said it before and I'll say it again, world dictators: Go big or go home. Stalin showed you have to rule with the iron fist (Cheerfully referred to as the "crushing boot of freedom" by absolutely no-one) from the get-go or be generally benevolent. Half-hearted genocide is worse than quietly leaving or instilling fear in a generation of citizens.

In news pretty much only applicable to people who pay attention to Scottish politics, Wendy Alexander, current holder of the much-coveted "Least successful Scottish Labour leader" (Only on a technicality, Gordon Brown put in a huge bid in 2010 only for judges to turn him away because he technically led the whole of the UK, not explicitly Scotland. The 10-time UK Chancellor of the year (1997 to 2007 unbeaten) is said to be appealing.) is retiring from active political service.

David Cameron also outlined his welfare reform, primarily resolving around making welfare a bare minimal punishment for having the misfortune to remain unemployed. That being said, career benefitees are now on the defensive with punishments for refusing work and a limit of a mere £26,000 of benefits (approximately average wage) for a household (Having had some ridiculous cumulative benefits like "Immigrants have 14 kids and can't fit in a normal house and thus have benefits of £4 million a year" - Daily Mail).

Obama is heading to the UK on a state visit. First presidential state visit since 2003. Perhaps under new leadership both nations can avoid celebrating the occasion by cheerfully invading a nation as they did in 2003. That being said, we've certainly sorted the Middle East now. Look at it now, a picture of stability, providing you think a wobbly table in a notorious earthquake zone is "Pretty solid".

MADE UP NEWS

The BBC have reacted angrily to cuts in their funding and have politically aspired to show nothing but reruns of the 1985-86 series of Only Fools and Horses (traditionally considered the worst season of the show), in retribution. BBC News reports "Whilst we cannot continue funding high quality programming, we can only show you highlights from yesteryear, including, but not necessarily limited to, Only Fools and Horses." but, when questioned further on what we could expect to see, a spokesperson added "You can expect to find several of our finer works in the TV schedules, but you might note a reliance on Only Fools and Horses." and later admitted under intense grilling from one intrepid reporter that "We found that the vast majority of people could relate to Derek "Del Boy" Trotter, as they too, are out of work and willing to do odd jobs".

A WEEK IN THE NEWS

Good news, just as you thought I'd left this to die, I decided to revive it. Very cheerfully. In my new guise of "Sultan of Satire", I'm looking at the NEWS.

President Mubarak is gone from power in Egypt. On the plus side, this time popular opinion against an Egyptian leader didn't lead to the now-traditional 9 plagues and the death of the first-born, so we can be thankful for that. Thousands of people camped out in Tahrir Square to see Mubarak kicked out, but thousands of Egyptian cattle camped out in a field to oust their leader, President Moobarak.

Egypt, of course, has been in a state of emergency since 1967. That's quite the emergency. That's like your house burning down for 43 years. "That's about how long it would take the British police force to arrive nowadays! I bet they called in 1967 and they're only arriving now!" cry the Daily Mail fan-club. Egypt of course a former British colony. We really resorted to the Catholic method when we dismantled the empire: Just pull out and hope for the best.

President Mubarak must have found that was a gig that turned on him quickly. Don't open by introducing yourself to a nation in the midst of a national emergency and try to let your set be shorter than 30 years. It's that 30th year that'll kill you. Still, a lot of people have been wondering what ol' President Mubarak will get up now that he's been forcibly retired, and I for one am looking forward to his upcoming solo album, "Hosni Sings the Blues".

There's not been time for other news, so this story of the MP's wife who stole a kitten from his mistress has been cruelly underplayed in the media, despite the fact it's a cracking story. I should stress, she denies all claims against her, but if I were making up allegations against MP's spouses, I wouldn't immediately head towards kitten-theft so there is probably something in it. I can just imagine Westminster gently mewling as the tonnes of stolen loot play in the halls of power. "I thought you said this was the last time I had to hide a stolen kitten at work!" "You should have thought about that before you had the affair!".

This isn't the only animal-based news (Big week for animal-based stupid stories this week) because of this story, which is of course, a man smuggling 22 squirrels out of Thailand. But that wasn't enough of a challenge, so he also added in more than 37 snakes. 143 turtles of various descriptions. Oh, and a parrot. Obviously. Essentially he tried to smuggle a zoo through customs. "And if you'll look in this suitcase, you'll see the lion enclosure. Look out, though, Simba's a biter" he reportedly said to authorities. That report was from my imagination, sadly.

Sarah Palin, it was revealed, has tried to trademark her own name. Some people self-publish, some people name a yacht after themselves, but trademarking your own name has to be the ultimate act of vanity. I can only assume she's licensing it to Hasbro to release a limited run of "Political Barbie". Pull the string and watch as it spouts curiously folksy nonsense combined with propoganda so right-wing the only supporters of it died in Berlin in 1945.

David Cameron has been in the news saying state multiculturalism doesn't work, despite the fact he cheerfully admitted talking to a black man who, by David Cameron's numbers, joined the navy when he was 11. What could be more British than child labour and a strong navy? (This was a reference to the TV debates, if you can remember that far back). Hasn't he integrated well enough?

He also had spectacularly bad timing with this speech, choosing to do it on the same day as the English Defence League marched through Luton. The English Defence League, by the way, originally were named "Prematurely-Bald 40-60 year old divorcees Unite!" but found EDL rolled off the tongue better. Fortunately, the police always knew where they were, because the hundreds of bald heads created a shimmering mirror as bright as a million candles wherever they went. Lots of people were wondering why the EDL marched at all, but I suppose they have to practice their goose-stepping sometime.

David Cameron told us we needed a stronger British identity. Was this a coded reference to restarting the Empire? Egypt's looking dodgy, Sudan's just split, I reckon we could take them. I'll dig out my pith helmet. I think I left it here, under Britain's increasing obsolescence on the international stage and a growing sense of dissatisfaction with international politics.

David Cameron has also been preaching his Big Society ideal to us some more. He knows it's working, because people are literally paying to volunteer to work so libraries and stuff must be packed out. This, of course, is the news that people were paying for internships at the Tory Ball. It's like a slave auction in reverse. "I'll work for you for £2,000!" "Yeah, well, I'll pay £2,200 to work here!".

Last story, South Sudan has voted to secede from its northern partner. It's been an unnatural marriage from the start (Partially due to the fact the vicar who married them handcuffed them together. And was Britain.) but North Sudan must be wondering what went wrong. "all I did was occasionally beat her and steal her oil reserves!" he thinks. So the decades of civil war look sure to stop (Having ceased on the proviso of this secession election), and the South, hopefully, will start to develop based on the huge income it'll have due to its oilfields. Good luck, South Sudan!

Now that we've covered the real news, time for the made up stories!

Nick Griffin is releasing a new book entitled "Nick Griffin: Political Leper", inspired by how desperately both sides of the Alternative Vote campaigns are avoiding him. Featuring such quotes as "Blacks aren't under-represented in Parliament, they're over-represented in Society." and "I suppose if you asked me today, I would say the Holocaust happened, but I'm not totally convinced."

Russia's public broadcasting corporation has started production on its new countryside radio drama with the following preview leaflet '"The AЯCHEЯS", a New communist show about life in the comfortable countryside of Russia. "Dig comrades! Dig for Russia!"'

And that's the news. Saves reading the papers, doesn't it?

Economics through the medium of Children's TV

I think kids need to be taught the basics of modern economics at an early age. I certainly remember the episode of Postman Pat where Pat striked for fair pay with his union. Pat, sitting, unshaved next to a flaming bin with his trusty black-and-white cat still going into work.

"SCAB!" he shouts, vociferously. "SCAB!" as Jess saunters in. She doesn't mind. She's on triple pay for her efforts, that mercenary feline.

And the episode where that Polish immigrant undercut Mrs Goggins' pay because he didn't have to work for minimum wage

But then got busted by the Border police in one of the most mundane raids of all time. Eventually, they gave the job back to "The Gogginator", but only after she had campaigned for months on an unfair dismissal charge. She was eventually awarded £200,000 plus legal costs.

And that episode of Thomas the tank Engine where rising fuel costs caused Thomas to run a restricted service, and was frequently delayed, leading to a downturn in passenger numbers, leading to less money...

It was a vicious cycle and eventually Thomas' line was axed by the Fat Controller, who had incurred loses frequently on that journey and couldn't stand it anymore.

The most heartless one was when the Teletubbies’ acres of land were bought up at a reduced price by a home-builder who saw an opportunity, and although they had legally only signed away equity, they couldn't afford the court cases to fight it (Having spent the income on Tubby toast and custard) and were promptly kicked off when the owner got planning permission.

Dark days. It's a housing estate just outside Bristol now.

I remember when How 2 did a brief section on the Keynesian model of modern economics, and compared it to the more outdated economic models, such as Smith's 1776 work "The Wealth of nations" (My favourite book older than the entire nation of America).

And of course, Art Attack and SMart were frequently trading blows over who could best explain the fluctuations in trading price of significant artworks to kids.

That episode where Neil Buchanan used the great Titians to explain supply and demand to the audience was great, particularly when he explained artificial inflation through deliberate lack of supply. He related it to the 1973 formation of OPEC in a manner best described as masterful, before showing how oil prices quadrupled from three to 12 dollars a barrel (Those heady times before now) thank to OPEC's embargo of the US (We of course, remember this was because of the US opting to support Israel.)

Of course, this isn't happening any more (To be fair, based on my track record of factual accuracy, you can be fairly assured it wasn't happening before now either), so I have taken it into my own hands to put out a modern day lesson:

Carl the Cowboy, Bob the builder's new arch-nemesis, who undercuts Bob's best offers for local development projects, yet delivers a shoddier job on the final result and takes significant risks on health and safety, but is still raking it in, forcing Bob, the conscientious workman, to start taking jobs cash-in-hand and evading the taxman to make ends meet, having already let go of several key staff, including Wendy, who's administrative role was deemed superfluous in the modern, cut-throat world of building. Eventually, this leads to a tax investigation on Bob for failing to provide adequate receipts for the purchase of bricks (A schoolboy self-assessment error) and eventually, the closing of Bob's business. Bob, driven to depression, joins on as one of Carl's contractors.

So it's missing the happy ending, but hey, I'm hardly Oliver Postgate.

Political Metaphors Through the Medium of Camels

Camels, as we know, are divided into 2 groups, the Dromedary camels (Single-humped) and the Bactrian camels (Dual-humped). What is less well known, is that these two groups have formed a divisive relationship and frequently get into gang warfare between eachother. It was featured in "Ross Kemp on Gangs".

The Dromes gathered on the dune. They had immediately claimed the high ground, whilst the Bacs had to form a group at the base of the sand-mountain. The Bacs prepared for battle, and pulled out their switch-blades (Since the even-toed ungulates found it hard to use alternative stabbing devices, excluding knitting needles) whilst the Dromes gathered the mental resolve to defend themselves.

Suddenly, from nowhere, a lone Dromedary camel appeared on the horizon, galloping towards the skirmish. "Wait!" he cried, when he was suitably close. "Wait! Look at yourselves! You're camels! What does it matter if we have one hump or two, we're all camels together! How can camels develop without unity!? A united Desert us surely a better Desert!" he exclaimed, because he was a particularly forward thinking camel.

The camels stared at eachother for a moment, when suddenly a Bac spoke out. "Typical Dromedary response to their failing leftist agenda!" and the Bacs murmured in agreement. "This is the expected response of the left-wing!"

A Drome took affront at this, and yelled back "Under Bac leadership, the budget deficits have been huge! Whilst under Drome leadership, the Desert has actually MADE money! You rely on us to keep this Desert afloat!"

Well, the Bacs were taken aback by this attack against their leadership-record, and launched a verbal assault back at the Dromes: "At least our leaders haven't been impeached for sexual misconduct whilst in leadership!"

Well, the Dromes weren't having any of this slander thrown at them, and heartily responded "At least OUR leaders haven't deserved to be impeached! I refer you to resignation of your leader after several key documents were stolen from OUR camel-offices by men in the pay of YOUR leader!"

By now, the original Dromedary who had called for unity had been pilloried on all sides, despite his failing being the failure of the Bacs to agree with his message of camel-unity for a better Desert. So he started break-dancing and spinning on his hump whilst the Dromes and Bacs fought it out in the background.

Birds falling out the Sky

Apparently, in Arkansas, birds have started plummeting out of the sky, dead. Many theories have been put forward to explain this, including "Fireworks, which have previously killed very few birds, have caused entire flocks to drop dead for no new reason." and "The Apocalypse is nigh".

I reckon it's a communal existential nihilism, as the flocks have, as a group, discovered their own mortality and how meaningless their own existence really is, and plummeted out of the sky. Killed by self-awareness. We never should have translated Nietzsche into Bird. I always said "This can only have negative consequences, stick to lighter stuff, like Wodehouse" (Pigeons love their Wodehouse) but they just didn't listen. Look at us now.

Apparently, fish have been washing up on the shore, dead. Some people have blamed pollution, but I reckon sharks have evolved to spread the message of their own hopeless lives to the fish, causing them to slide into a fishy spiral of depression and eventually take their own lives, making easy food for sharks. Philosophical hunters are nightmares, the lions famously lured the zebras into a cult society which ultimately ended with a group-suicide amongst the zebras to be closer to their eternal ruler. A nightmare.

I can just imagine them now.
"Haha, Shark, didn't catch me that time!" giggled Fish as he swam away.
"You're still going to die, Fish. You are a mere mortal. You cannot evade death forever. What is the purpose of your existence? Will you ever change anything? Or is the world without you the same as the world with you!?" yelled back Shark, which, although a long sentence, still carried well underwater.
"Perhaps he's right," thought Fish, swimming away. "Is there any point to it all? Why do I exist? Oh, goodness, it's all so meaningless! I know, I'll have a word with Dave, he'll know."
"Dave! Dave!" yelled Fish
"Oh, alright Pete? What's up?" said Dave, font of fishy-wisdom
"Dave, I'm having an existential crisis! What is the purpose of me?! What is the purpose of us!? Do we exist for a reason!? Will anything we do change anything ever?!"
"WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" cried Dave to the school of fish. "Quick, let's end our misery now!" and they flung themselves onto the beaches like D-Day landers.

Or not. I'm not sure.

Statistics

This is a collection of cricketing statistics. Look away now if you don't want to take in this level of pointless analysis.

Australia all out for 98? That's the lowest first innings ashes score since England crumbled to all out for 77 in 1997 at Lord's, and the lowest Australian first innings Ashes score since their spectacular collapse in the 1909 series at Edgbaston, all out for 74. A game I'm sure none of us can forget, where England cruised to a ten wicket victory after Hobbs was lbw on 0 in the first innings but smashed a triumphant 62 in the second to see England home. Shame we went on to lose that series after V.S. Ranford hit a stunning 143 in the second test. That 143 not out was actually his test best, far eclipsing his otherwise not extra-ordinary average of 37.84, which counts his single test hundred and sole test six. Vernon Seymour Ranford certainly raised his game for tests against England.

If you discount Ponting's only half-decent performance in this series, a knock of 51 not out, his average is a delightful 7. Including that 51, it's 93 he's made in 7 innings so, even with his 51, his average is 13.3. Ponting is a man on the wane. Even Mitchell Johnson has a higher top score (62) and a better average (21). Eat that, Ponting!

I have stats pouring out of me today. Uh oh, I feel another one coming... Ricky Ponting has lasted an average of just 28.42 balls against the English bowlers. Even if he were to hit a six for each of those balls, graciously including the .42, he would score only 170, a full 87 runs shy of his test best of 257!

Statistics are great. I always become an amateur statistician in the Ashes period. It's the best thing about cricket.

I think I'm saying what we're all thinking when I say Hussey (Average this series of 87.5) is the best batsman the Australians have and should be batting at 3, relegating Ponting to "Somewhere else, preferably not on the team".

Speaking of best players, England's finest, Alistair Cook's average is 115, but he still has the rest of this innings to raise that up to something ridiculous, hopefully by eclipsing his 235* test best against the Australians. Preferably raising his average to something around the 200 mark. His test average in general is 45.83, meaning he plays 2.51 times better against Australia (In this series) than all other nations. He's not even this good against Bangladesh (test average of 66.83 against them).

Let's take a moment to compare the two captains, shall we? Strauss has taken 5 catches this series, Ponting an unremarkable three. Strauss has racked up another test century (110), and could smash a passing bumblebee to the ropes with perfect timing, whilst Ponting couldn't knock a beachball lobbed to him by an elderly woman, or perhaps an infirm child, to mid-off for a quick single without edging it through the slips for four. Probably why his best is 51*. Strauss averages 40.33; so far, his innings hasn't yet ended in Melbourne, and I fully expect him to score that elusive triple century.

So Strauss is 1.66 times better as a fielder, and 3.037 times better on average as a batsman. What more do I need to say?

We haven't even LOOKED at the bowlers, but Graeme Swann has 5/91 against the Aussies in Adelaide, whilst their best spinner, Xavier Doherty, picked up 2/41, which sounds alright, but Swann's worst was either 2/128 or 0/51, whilst Doherty's worst was 0/107, or 1/158 (2/128 and 0/107 both coming in the same match, so not really a spinner's pitch). Siddle may have picked up 6/54 in the first test (Including that rare beast, the Ashes hat-trick) but also bowled 0/121 so "hit and miss". Australia's best bowling figures were Mitchell Johnson's 6/38 in the 3rd test off the back of his impressive batting (62), but without the confidence of solid batting to spur him on, he bowled 0/66 and 0/104 in the 2 innings of the first test, at 4.04 runs per over. Whilst England's Jimmy Anderson has been fantastically consistent, his worst figures being 0/15, his best being 4/44 and 4/51, desperately unlucky not to pick up a five wicket haul on either occasion. And Chris Tremlett, back in the side, has made a fantastic start, picking up 12 wickets in 3 innings for just 176 runs, including 4/26 and a five-fer. Even Bresnan's nipped in on the act.

The difference is, all of England's bowlers can have a good day, whilst only one Australian can. Yes, Siddle got 6/54 in the first innings, but he's picked up just one wicket since, and bowled a 0/121, and the best anyone else managed that test was 2/41. Yes, Johnson bowled 6/38, but he's only had 3 wickets in the other 3 innings, and bowled a 0/104. Hilfenhaus has picked up only 2 wickets in his 4 bowling innings. Ryan Harris is the only bowler who seems anything like a consistent threat, his worst figures being 2/84, his best, 6/87. The third test was the first the Australian bowlers dared to be in form at the same time, with Johnson and Harris picking up 9 wickets each, a six-wicket haul each in separate innings. As long as we can avoid that (And at 157/0, it's looking pretty likely that we have) England should be home and dry.

So, to summarise, England's batsmen have been on top, England's bowlers have been more consistent, and in general, England's fielding has been better (Trott's run out of Katich is a good example). It's no wonder, therefore, that England are destined to keep hold of the Ashes for at the very least, this series. Having made this bold prediction, I fully expect them to collapse to 201 all out, with an embarrassing run-out that'll be shown on Question of Sport for generations with that Inzamam-Ul-Haq wicket where the tripped over to Monty Panesar and basically fell over the wicket. I can imagine Sue Barker laughing at it now.