A Syriad of Human Rights Abuses / It's Assad State of Affairs in Syria

Syrian leader Bashar Al-Assad (I've said it before and I'll say it again, he's a poor man's Basil Fawlty, especially given that he runs Syria in roughly the same manner as I would imagine Basil would) has been on the news lately to dispel the rumours that 4000 Syrians had died. He said "No government in the world kill its people unless it's lead by a crazy person", which, on the face of it, is little more than a curious admission of insanity. This would explain his next statement of "Who said the UN is a credible institution?". It's almost like he's pre-emptively preparing his "Insanity" plea for the Hague. "Yeah, well, I AM crazy. Only a crazy person would go on TV and say that someone in his position must be crazy". Apparently the 4000 dead people are all just unlucky victims of rogue officers (That's his defence) who are over-zealous. One dead person, I could understand. Hell, even a dozen could be reasonably ascribed to bad luck. But 4000 seems a stretch too far for that logic, reasonably.

In other Dictator-that-won't-admit-it news, Vladimir Putin has been under scrutiny after protests against the ever-so-slightly rigged elections. He's blasted his critics with a 4 and a half hour question and answer session. According to his spokesperson, Putin might "reinvent himself and show the world Putin mark 2". This does not surprise me, as he is actually a robot built by the Kremlin. He will, actually, literally reinvent himself and build Putin Mark 2. Election officials at the Kremlin are probably shouting "Gentlemen! We can rebuild him! We have the technology! We have the capability to build the world's first bionic politician! Better than he was before!". Vladimir Putin is the 6 billion ruble man. This four and half hour question session was his longest ever. As if you need any more evidence that he's an improved robot.

Apparently, Japan has utilised some of the funds allocated to recovery after the tsunami to whaling. I suppose it makes sense. Where did the tsunami come from? The sea. Where do whales live? The sea. It's all adding up here against the whales. I'm personally inclined to call this rather more of a police investigation than a hunting trip. There's no accusations yet, but if those whales have nothing to hide, then they have nothing to fear. Except being harpooned, dragged onto land, and cut into bits, then sold to the public, all in the name of scientific research ("Which sauce goes best with whale flesh: A study" is due out any time now). I guess that is a legitimate whale-concern.

Economy news (The whole catastrophic meltdown thing has rather dragged on), and the IMF has decided to wade in and spread a bit of Christmas cheer! Hooray! What sort of good news do they have for us? Oh. The economic outlook is "Gloomy". Brilliant. Well, thanks for that. Apparently George Osborne has been VERY good this year, and he's sent a letter to Santa asking him if he could have a stronger economy for Christmas this year. Press reports describe him as "Hopeful but not expectant" and he also stressed just how good he was, saying "I haven't taken any cocaine with any hookers this year, unlike 1993" and giving an enthusiastic double thumbs-up. We should be out of the woods by New Years, I expect.

Weather news! Apparently, we should be prepared for snow! In winter of all times! How absurd. I was expecting 23 degree heat and glorious sunshine. Thank god the forecasters warned me, I'll have to cancel the golf game I'd scheduled for December 21st. Seriously. It's winter. It's not a cataclysmic, world-ending snow. It's as devilishly high as 4 inches in some places, apparently. Will the nation cope with this positive ice age? It's hard to tell at this early stage.

Made Up News makes a welcome return (He says, optimistically), with the news this week that David Cameron and fellow Cabinet minister George Osborne are to release a rap CD about the economy. Cameron, or as he wishes to be known now, Davey C, said to the press "One really mustn't come across as a fuddy-duddy to the electorate", before Georgie O leapt in with "Yes, and it's about the economy, so it's an educational tool more than anything". One track, "Mao Money, Mao Problems" focuses on the growing Chinese market, their strict control over their currency's value, and the effect this has had on worldwide markets. Backed by "M.C. NC" Nick Clegg, the trio hope to be more successful than Parliament's previous efforts into rap (in which Tony Blair, Tony Benn, and Tony Baldry formed "Tony! Tony! Tony!", with 1996's must-have album "Members of the House of Music"), and are aiming for chart success with "Country-House Grammar". The first single "Boom Boom Pow", a look at the driving forces of a strong military in supporting a good economy, is out on December 19th and is hoping for the Christmas number one spot.

This policy is similar to Thatcher's desire to be seen as "in touch", in which she, Geoffrey Howe, John Major and Nigel Lawson released a 3 hour prog-rock concept double-album called "Troubles" about Northern Ireland. The album was released under the band name "Iron Lady", and was followed up by the 1982 foreign policy concept "Argy Bargy", and their third and final album 1989's "Minor Miner Kerfuffle", a 75 minute single-track tape. The group split up when Nigel Lawson left to form Leftfield in 1990, with whom he still tours to this day.

And Finally (This is a new section that's not about the news, and is instead, just about my life): I heard "Friday" by Rebecca Black on Radio 4. Everything I thought I knew about the world, a relatively minor amount, has been disregarded in light of this evidence. The previously unthinkable is now, by contrast, eminently thinkable. If this can happen, what next? Monkeys learn to talk, the sun darkens and endless night falls across an uncaring Earth, the Conservatives win a majority in Scotland? I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.

No Need to Go Russian Into Anything...

Russian election news tops the headlines today! According to some of the press, the Russian political system might be a teensy-weensy, itsy-bitsy, infinitesimally small bit corrupt. Hardly worth worrying about really. Chechnya, ruled by what some pesky fools would call a "Warlord", who promised 100% of his people would vote for Putin, had a 99.5% turnout, of which, generously, 99.48% of the vote was to Putin. It's quite one thing for a despotic maniac to promise 100% of his citizens will vote for someone, it's quite another to very nearly pull that figure off. Some tedious allegations of electoral fraud came up. Russian TV indicated turnouts of 146% in some places, but in Russia, like Zimbabwe, dead people retain the right to vote, so we can't really find it too surprising that turnout was so high. Also some ballot boxes arrived ready filled, but the deliverers probably just saw some youths and wanted to save them the inconvenience of actually going to the polling station, so let them vote there. Also, apparently some pens used invisible ink, probably just a practical joke by notorious japester Vlad "The Lad" Putin. Also, one person filmed an election officer filling in votes at his desk, but I'm pretty certain his opinion counts the same as about a thousand of the proles. Also, apparently some voters were bussed to several polling stations to vote repeatedly. But these are just a couple of minor indiscretions that every election has. To claim that there is systemic abuse just because of repeated and widespread examples of it is just foolish.

Next up, Khmer Rouge go to trial! Not Pol Pot (Figurehead of the group) given that he is dead (A difficulty for any modern day trial), but fortunately, his sidekicks are all there! Today, one said that they "were not bad people". Now, if you ever find yourself in a scenario where you say that, it does undermine your case, and maybe I'm just being picky here, it's probably just me over-analysing, but it does weaken your position of not being bad people, if you are saying that whilst on trial for genocide. I generally like to think of myself as "Not a bad person", and yet, somehow, I don't have two million dead Cambodians to explain from two years of appalling leadership. The figures just don't quite add up. I can count on 0 hands the number of times I've been on trial for genocide.

Chaos reigned in Britain for a day. It was so mad, I went to the library to hand back some books, and when I got there, it was CLOSED. Anarchy in the UK, The Sex Pistols have never sounded so right. This was a momentous turnout of a third of public sector workers on strike over pensions, which was hugely eclipsed by the biggest news story of the day: Professionally offensive man Jeremy Clarkson said something offensive. I think they were going to lead with "Footballer plays football" before this other story fell into their laps, and they couldn't turn it down. The media exploded over this, despite the fact that it was an ill-judged (and bad) joke. Curiously, though, for one of the first times ever, they managed not to be the biggest over-reactors in this scenario, with Unison angrily comparing him to Gaddafi (Pro-tip: Your argument loses validity when you compare people involved to dead dictators. Just a memo for next time) and demanding he be reported to the police (For a bad joke. What were they going to do, take away his license to lampoon?). Extraordinary.

Finally, onto a mildly silly story now. This story isn't in itself amusing, but if you look closely at the copy of FHM India's cover, you'll note that, apparently what sells lad's mags in India like hot potatoes is "7 TIPS TO ACE SNOOKER". Part of me secretly wishes British magazines had more snooker tips as cover stories. The other part of me is amused at how antiquated the concept seems. It's like a 19th century lad's mag in the UK. I wouldn't be surprised if you open it up, and there's tips on how to maintain your beard, naughty pictures of a lady's exposed ankles, and "Stories from the Frontline: My Crimean Experience" by Lord Cardigan*, with some poetry by Tennyson (He seems like a maverick poet. I bet he'd be up for it). I actually want this to exist now. It could have a section on John Wisden, "Bowler of the Century?", for his performance in the season as leading wicket-taker with 106 wickets. Perhaps a segment about the "New-fangled football: Will it catch on?". It'd be lovely. If I was born 160 years earlier, and rich, this would have happened.

*You don't need me to tell you that Cardigan was the leader of the Charge of the Light Brigade, so his experience would largely be "Got my men massacred", but to be honest, I imagine that'd be the case for most British army officers throughout the 19th century, so he's as good as any. Tennyson also wrote "Charge of the Light Brigade", the poem about the tragedy. This was a deliberate inclusion by me, but I'm putting these two facts down here so as to ensure that you can see they interweave nicely, and thus assume this is a real, December 1854 edition of whatever this magazine may be called. Perhaps "Victorian Gentleman". I've not really thought this through totally.

Anyways, that last bit clearly isn't news. But it's news-inspired. Good enough for me. That's enough. We're done here.

Clearing out Fail Farm

The biggest news on the lips of the nation: Dale Farm "travellers" have been evicted! The last time an eviction was this big in the news, Big Brother was still popular and relevant (A far cry from our modern times). Yes, the travelling folk who meticulous set up full-time homes that weren't going anywhere (It's good to know I can randomly ascribe myself qualities I don't possess if they're in my heritage at some stage. On that basis, I'm a God-fearing war-mongerer, and probably addicted to opiates too. My relatives were surely alive in 19th century Britain), have been evicted from their illegally occupied land. This is just a warm-up for Britain's police force, as we plan to evict Israel from their slightly illegally occupied territories too. Consider it a pre-season friendly for the force, get to work together again, competitive fixture with no risk of failure. It couldn't go wrong. The residents soon staged a mass walk-out in protest at being made to, uh, walk out, in a bizarre twist. They've been there 10 years and sort of walked out after the police stormed the place going "If you wanted us out, you only had to ask! Tsk. We don't want to make trouble. You silly people.".

Sticking with surprising evictions having an inevitable conclusion, Libya's ex-leader Gaddafi is now dead. France said "It's an end to 40 years of tyranny" conveniently forgetting to add "Which we just stood by and watched for decades because Gaddafi was a politically expedient leader, despite his close ties with terrorism.". Britain's PM, Cameron said "I think today is a day to remember all of Colonel Gaddafi's victims" carefully not adding "Which we as a nation forgot when Tony Blair was the first major world leader to endorse him, and hung out with him, signing neato oil deals.". Of course, like all good tyrants (To take Alain Juppe's use of "Tyranny") we, that is to say, Britain and France, supplied him with weapons deals for decades. What Cameron meant to say was "This is a day for conveniently forgetting our roles in the rise and maintenance of Gaddafi, and instead remembering that we helped bring him down! Can we help the National Transitional Council, perhaps by selling you arms or buying oil?". Of course, this death was inevitable, like the sun coming up, or Britain exporting arms to people who eventually use them on their own citizens. There would have been no sense of conclusion without it, and there's nothing worse than an unfinished civil war. Of course, we're totally helping out nations under tyranny. So we're solving North Korea, right guys? No? Well, Zimbabwe? No? We must be too busy with Iran then? No? But only because we're stopping off and sorting out Syria first, right? No? Huh. I guess we're nothing better than despicable hypocrites who make politically expedient moves and claim we did it because it was "right", whilst letting the world do what is pretty obviously wrong right in front of our faces. Brilliant.

Side note: I don't want to suggest I'm bad at picking a fantasy team, but when I picked my fantasy dictator team, I went for experienced, old hands who would rake in the points, and then Mubarak goes and retires, ruining my strike force, and from nowhere, Gaddafi's out for the rest of the season with a niggling death wound he picked up in a pre-season friendly against his own citizens. Not to mention the surprise move by Ben Ali. I'm pinning my hopes on Bashar al-Assad (Captain) and Ahmadinejad (Vice-captain).

In other news, people in America and Britain have gathered in order to protest.. uh, stuff. In general. Some of the stuff they're complaining about includes fiscally irresponsible behaviour by banks, which were let off the hook from both regulation and having to be responsible for their own failures. Also complaining about the corporate influence in modern politics (For £50,000, you can spend the night with David Cameron, and talk to him. It's easy to make the lewd comparisons to him being a high-class prostitute, obviously, but I'm better than that. I'm sure campaign donations to large political leaders in America is equally shady, possibly even more so thanks to corporations being people, and political donations being free speech, bizarrely), which seems reasonable enough to me. "We'll give you, the man who is supposed to be impartially deciding the rules of the nation, loads of money in exchange for time spent telling you what we would simply love it if you did. We may do this fairly frequently if it gets results." has the ring of untrustworthiness to it. Far be it from me to suggest giving politicians thousands of pounds would influence their decision-making, I'm merely saying it MIGHT. Protests thus far have been met in New York with the tiniest smidge of police brutality, and widespread condemnation at the fact that these people "Look funny" and "Don't have a cohesive message", despite the fact that the majority of Americans agree with the general thrust of the message which is "The American Dream is dead, and American Politics killed it". "Work hard, do your bit, and one day you could have YOUR retirement plan generously donated to global banks because of their shortcomings!" seems to be the gist of their social security system just now.


There's been a Greek general strike. Obvious jokes at the ready: "How did anyone notice?" and "What did they do differently?" and "Didn't that start around 440 BC with the release of Histories by Herodotus?". This is in protest at the aggressive austerity measures enforced in the face of their somewhat laid-back lifestyle (Retirement age of 61, the minor issue of not really paying the taxes they owe, etc). I sincerely doubt the strikes will cause Greece to go "Fine, let's go bankrupt! THAT'S a good idea! Jeez. For the country that invented democracy, we're not very good at it.". The Greek finance minister must be spending his days alternately hiding beneath his desk and telling his secretary to clear his appointments, and weeping in a therapist's office, saying "It all started when I was a boy, and I bought toys with money I didn't really have, on credit! You're right!".

That's enough news. We're done here.

It's like there's more News everyday!

Look out in the Middle East! In the midst of more violence, largely because of that whole ill-thought out "Shoot at the protesters! That'll make them like me more!" fallacy that dictators cling to more ferociously than a balding 50 year old clings to his youth by driving a bright red ferrari and sleeping with a trophy wife (Cindi, 22 from Essex.), William Hague has come out and said that he's... "Deeply concerned"! You tell 'em champ. Knock 'em dead. He then delivered the killer blow of condemning the genocide as "unacceptable violence" in his statement. Woomph! Take that! They're sure to stop now. Just give it a little time to let William Hague's fervent damnation of their actions to sink in (It's hard for them to pick things like this up, because their hands are slippy from all that blood on them). I think we can all surely rest easy knowing that William "The Haguester" Hague (Haguester was his school nickname, but at university he was correctly renicknamed "International criminal court", shortened to ICC.) is on the case. (As an actually politically important aside, internationally we've been cheerfully funding these nations whilst condemning them simultaneously. It's akin to giving a toddler a chocolate bar and telling he's being very naughty. But imagine your toddler was playing with nuclear warheads and committing genocide instead of smearing crayon on the walls.)

Sarah Brown has come out in support of her husband, former Prime minister Gordon Brown, whom she said was "Misunderstood", which I think is a fair representation of events. In fact, I'm pretty certain he would have done marginally better at the polls if he were, literally, constantly misunderstood, giving all of his speeches in a confusing, homemade dialect he liked to call "Broonian", of which there were no other competent speakers on planet Earth. At the very least, the time spent decoding his gibberish in post-speech analysis (Hosted by Andy Gray) would have distracted from his party's terrible decade of power. "I'm pretty certain "The cow piano giraffed the Yugoslavian princess" means he fully accepts some responsibility for the deregulation of the markets which allowed the catastrophic collapse of the economy, Karen. Over to Jim now for some analysis of the second paragraph." (As an aside, the economy collapsed more quickly and damningly than an Australian top order in the 2010/11 Ashes series. Bop. Take that, Australia). Still, it's nice to have someone come out in support of you, and I for one feel Gordon Brown was so tragically unlucky during his whole reign that he could have been in the middle of an empty field, taken one step, plunged his foot directly into a cow pat, sworn, then had a piano drop on his head. That's how unlucky he was. That said, he displayed the greatest putdown of the whole campaign with "you can't airbrush your policies like you airbrush your posters!". Bop! Take that David! He swiftly followed up with the old classic "I don't come down to YOUR work and tell you how to clean toilets!" (A frontbencher's traditional line of attack, having first been used by Gladstone against Disreali in 1892).

Prisoners have been demanding compensation for not being allowed to vote (Thank you, Brussels) but a high court judge ruled this week that none was forthcoming. As far as I can logically see, we give them every opportunity to vote, we set up a polling booth in their area, but did they BOTHER to turn up at their local primary school/ Church? I don't think so! Sure, they'll claim they were kept away by squadrons of guards and several thick, locked doors, but we've all had times we've been struck by voter apathy and it's easier to say we were locked behind bars for commiting crimes rather than openly admit to our disenfranchisement. If anyone asks me, I didn't vote in the last election because I was held hostage by the FARC group of South America. (I'm joking, I did actually vote, and by the looks of it, I was roughly one of about 40 people under the age of 20 who did).

Clegg versus Cameron, the highly awaited sequel to Alien Versus Predator, has kicked off this week, with Clegg urging people to vote for AV and Cameron urging people against it. Ridley Scott's latest venture was rated 18 for excessive political rhetoric by the BBFC who called some scenes "Distressing alterations of the truth" and in some cases "Disturbing scenes of outright lying". The unexpected third character, a highly-secret Hollywood addition, was Ed Milliband who defied his evil Labour overlord, Margaret Beckett, in coming out in favour of AV. "I know Margaret won't be happy about this" he said nervously at the press release, before Beckett swooped in from the roof and devoured his head before escaping into the ventilation systems. Labour should know better than to give press conferences on abandoned spaceships. I can only imagine this ending well for the coalition, with the winner (I'm hoping Clegg wins and we get at least the pretence of a fair voting system) will be at a press conference gloating, forming an L on his forehead with his finger and thumb, humming "Na-na-na-nana" and whispering "Loser says what?" so that Cameron doesn't hear him and says "What?".

Also in the news a while ago, which I've just remembered now, but it was funny at the time (And still is), and thus, I will link you to the story here, was that Ed Milliband admitted he was "A bit square" as a youth. In other news, the grass is green and the sky is blue. Yes, this was another incisive political interview with Piers Morgan, whereupon he asked such damning questions as "What's your scheme for evading the economic implosion that our system, which is wilfully and recklessly fuelled by borrowing, will inevitably cause in future? Surely you must agree tighter regulation of banking sectors and a separation of the riskier aspects of financial investment from the more traditional high street banks is required to help mitigate some of the risks involved in debt-trading?". Oh no. Wait, no, that wasn't what he asked. He asked "What would you do if you came on Britain's Got Talent?" and instead of responding "Use oratory rhetoric to sway a notoriously fickle public away from David Cameron's shiny face and onto my shiny policies", or the more stinging "Wonder where my life took such a disastrously wrong turn" he said "I used to be good at Rubik's Cube.". A real vote earner at the height of its popularity in the 1970s (Margaret Thatcher was elected on the back of her 4 successive UK Rubik's Cube speed championships) it seems almost outdated these days.

To those of you saying "Isn't America's deep south poverty stricken and largely neglected by politics? I remember how slowly Bush reacted to Hurricane Katrina" I've got good news! They get some things that other places would kill for. How often have you been wandering the hallways of your educational establishment and thought "This is nice, but I wish there were more airborne mammals in here."? Well, wish no more, for you could enroll at the school mentioned in this story which features bats flying round the 3rd story. Also in the original plans were Flying squirrels in every classroom which had a 1 in the number and sugar gliders on every second storey. Sadly however, these little spoilsports stopped the whole "Bats in school 2011!" campaign by protesting outside until the 3rd storey was closed off. Those monsters.

I will stress now, although technically the stories featured here are true, they may easily be shrouded in what can only be described as an intricate wicker basket of lies, holding the eggs of truth directly from the chickens of verisimilitude who reside in the coop of veracity.

PROPERLY MADE UP NEWS

David Cameron has proposed a radical shake-up of the NHS, suggesting that if Doctors could be accountants, then accountants could be doctors. "They can learn on the job" he said of the accountants, including that it would be a financial boon and that they would also keep their GP Surgeries fiscally sound. Confusingly, David Cameron responded to all questions from the press by doing nothing but quoting the 1998 Shania Twain single "That don't impress me much". On being asked if he really thought accountants could adequately do the job of doctors he replied "Okay, so you're a General Practitioner, that don't impress me much" seemingly deliberately misquoting the Canadian songstress. "So you've got the brains but have you got the touch?" he said. "Now don't get me wrong, yeah I think they're alright. But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night." he replied on being asked if he was deliberately setting up the NHS to fail. "You think you're a genius, you drive me up the wall!" he blasted at one press officer who queried his methods for the NHS, and in particular GPs, by quoting the ennobled Canadian (Order of Canada) back at the prime minister with "C'mon baby tell me, you must be jokin', right?". Mr Cameron then stormed out with a final retort, "Okay, so whatta you think, you're Elvis or something?".

More News (Might become regular)

Sorry, there's so much news I literally couldn't help but condense it into a series of meandering and ultimately uninformative paragraphs full of self-indulgent whimsy and no more than a teaspoonful of self-awareness. The perfect recipe for a blog post, then.

The Government backed down on its plan to sell off the forests. "It's what we've always said, we're not selling the forest." said a spokesperson. Being a leading politician losing a key issue is a lot like being on the wrong side of a marital argument, you have to endure a humiliating comedown and then pretend that it was what you wanted all along. "I've always wanted to see Warsaw in winter, and being with him/her gave me the chance to do that!". Although, to extend this metaphor, your partner would have to call you "out of touch" from the other side of the building built in the 11th century surrounded by armed guards. If you look out of touch to the people on the other side of that room, imagine how you look to voters.

In other news that will affect approximately 4% of Britain's 8 to 13 year olds and literally no-one else, Panda Pops are ceasing production (As an aside the 8-13 year old demographic is key to anyone looking to shift low quality carbonated beverages. Sadly, in recent years Barr has cornered this market quietly yet efficiently, closing Panda out of the market. Just the other day I was reminiscing on the fact I hadn't seen a Panda Pop in nigh on 5 years whilst walking past a selection of Barr's bottled beverages. Come to think of it, I don't think I've seen Kia-Ora or Um Bungo in ages either. Bring back British childhoods. Starburst to go back to being called Opal Fruits for a start.

Of course, this was also the week of Valentine's day, a now traditional ritual of doubt in your own relationship combined with a nagging fear of being single. Particularly high selling cards this year were "You're the BEST! That I can do." and "Let's stick together! For economic reasons." compared with pre-bust era cards including "Let's have more kids: We can afford it" and "Let's get that new kitchen together on credit!". This only applies if you're in a relationship. If you are not, it is a time for quiet contemplation on why you're so desperately alone. There's plenty of fish in the sea, but you don't appear to be at the sea, you're in the middle of the desert holding a fishing rod and looking confused. Either way, it's a day of the extreme of desperately pretending you're happy with your relationship status.

I'm getting bored of the political upheavals and increasing protests in the middle east, so we can safely say that the following North African and Middle-Eastern countries are doing what I call "Pulling a Tunisia": All of them. Except Iraq. We brought democracy over there and handed it over ourselves. The whole region is wobblier than a drunkard unexpectedly finding himself on a treadmill without handles. Wait no, news JUST in, would you believe. If I had a reporter in Iraq, I'd be switching to him as he hurriedly threw on his tie and stepped in front of camera. But since we can safely assume I don't, I'll just tell you the northern region of Kurdistan appears to be undergoing similar strife to everywhere else, with the now traditional dictator-staple of firing on innocent protesters in order to quell dissent, rather than addressing your flaws as a leader (Firing on civilians is generally considered quite the world leader faux pas). I've said it before and I'll say it again, world dictators: Go big or go home. Stalin showed you have to rule with the iron fist (Cheerfully referred to as the "crushing boot of freedom" by absolutely no-one) from the get-go or be generally benevolent. Half-hearted genocide is worse than quietly leaving or instilling fear in a generation of citizens.

In news pretty much only applicable to people who pay attention to Scottish politics, Wendy Alexander, current holder of the much-coveted "Least successful Scottish Labour leader" (Only on a technicality, Gordon Brown put in a huge bid in 2010 only for judges to turn him away because he technically led the whole of the UK, not explicitly Scotland. The 10-time UK Chancellor of the year (1997 to 2007 unbeaten) is said to be appealing.) is retiring from active political service.

David Cameron also outlined his welfare reform, primarily resolving around making welfare a bare minimal punishment for having the misfortune to remain unemployed. That being said, career benefitees are now on the defensive with punishments for refusing work and a limit of a mere £26,000 of benefits (approximately average wage) for a household (Having had some ridiculous cumulative benefits like "Immigrants have 14 kids and can't fit in a normal house and thus have benefits of £4 million a year" - Daily Mail).

Obama is heading to the UK on a state visit. First presidential state visit since 2003. Perhaps under new leadership both nations can avoid celebrating the occasion by cheerfully invading a nation as they did in 2003. That being said, we've certainly sorted the Middle East now. Look at it now, a picture of stability, providing you think a wobbly table in a notorious earthquake zone is "Pretty solid".

MADE UP NEWS

The BBC have reacted angrily to cuts in their funding and have politically aspired to show nothing but reruns of the 1985-86 series of Only Fools and Horses (traditionally considered the worst season of the show), in retribution. BBC News reports "Whilst we cannot continue funding high quality programming, we can only show you highlights from yesteryear, including, but not necessarily limited to, Only Fools and Horses." but, when questioned further on what we could expect to see, a spokesperson added "You can expect to find several of our finer works in the TV schedules, but you might note a reliance on Only Fools and Horses." and later admitted under intense grilling from one intrepid reporter that "We found that the vast majority of people could relate to Derek "Del Boy" Trotter, as they too, are out of work and willing to do odd jobs".