Small things occasionally about the news

David Cameron said: "I often say to my children 'No need to go to the Natural History Museum to see a dinosaur, come to the House of Commons at about half past twelve'.", which Labour took offence at, so Conservative Mark Pritchard said: "I wonder whether this House of Commons would be better with more or less humour?". Judging by the first statement I'd start with introducing some humour, then working our way up. Given that parliamentary footage is explicitly not allowed to be used for comedic purposes, it's a shame Cameron's non-stop gag-reel of a mind is so wasted on an audience of "Politicians and to a lesser extent, people who care about politics". He really zinged that 79 year old, to the extent that he never even knew what hit him. Possible return zings "I often tell my kids that if they fancy hot-air ballooning, it appears the PM has an excess of fuel that they can pick up about now.", or "I tell my children that instead of going to the local farm on the off-chance of seeing a cock crowing to his loyal following chickens, they might as well be certain of it by coming to Prime Minister's Questions". He said neither of these things, by the way.

I was in a shop that was playing Falco's seminal German hit "Rock Me Amadeus". It was as close as I'll ever get to time-travel. I felt like going up to the cashier and yelling "WHAT YEAR IS IT?!". At some stage in 2030, someone is going to make this precise joke about current hit "Party Rock Anthem". I sometimes like to remember that one day, that'll come on Radio 2 as one of the "hits from the past" while I'm driving, and I'll sing along, and the children in the car will be horrified. Partly because they're not mine, but mostly because of the song thing. That's a joke obviously; that song will still be cool in 18 years.

The Duchess of Cornwall launches a new initiative for kids on Jubilee day: A cooking competition! "Cook for the Queen", presumably shortened from the original title "Cook for the Queen like the worthless peons you are, she demands it of you and who are you to resist the demands of a divinely-chosen being, you pleb?!", aims to unite the children of the UK through their shared love of baking into one joyous nation again. This should single-handedly stop the Scottish independence referendum in its tracks, and grind republicanism to a halt. Anything less and it can only be considered a failure.

People have been "Flooding" MPs with questions via twitter for Michael Gove. Over four billion people from around the world have tried to get MPs to ask him "Why are you so hateful?", as well as "A royal yacht?! What sort of austerity measure is handing out free boats?!". One person got halfway through a sensible question about the government's new academy policy before descending into using his remaining characters on "IHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEY". Sadly, it closed at 11am, so you've missed your chance to ask a question to Michael Gove.

Ed Miliband, as ever a man of the people has had a go at David Cameron about what this week? Let's make it a multiple choice quiz!

[a] Swingeing cuts to core services that will leave many in Britain who are reliant on a system of social security, those are the most vulnerable in our society, out of luck as the system abandons them in a desire to save money?

[b] The intractable war which Britain has been waging for nearly a decade in the Middle-East, and the PM's position on the apparently growing threat that is Iran?

[c] Chocolate Oranges.

It's a tough one... Got an answer? Good! If you said [c], well done! If you said [a] or [b], I'm afraid you simply have too much faith in the leader of the opposition to address issues that are actually meaningful or important. You grow out of it, it's a phase, like having faith in the political process, or liking George Michael. Yes, Ed "Fathead" Miliband has pointed out that David Cameron was aghast, appalled and angered by the cut-price chocolate oranges available to fat people at WHSmiths, only 6 years ago, in 2006. And yet, in 2 years of power, he has not found time between battling the political fires of the middle-east and economic woes of neighbours to address what is, CLEARLY, a burning issue. "If he can't sort out the chocolate oranges, he's not going to sort out the train companies, the energy companies, the banks, is he?". In a wide-ranging interview, he was also asked about whether he would donate to a privately-funded Royal Yacht. He said "I give money to charity in different ways. There are obviously lots of deserving causes.", carefully neglecting to finish that with the sentence "And a new yacht for a woman who literally lives in a palace isn't one of them.". Very politically astute of him.

Finally there has been a hubbub over RBS giving someone a bonus of £963,000. On top of his regular salary of £1.2 million. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I will do the job for a paltry £100,000 a year, and not ask for ANY bonus. And given that, due to the joys of shares, the £45.5 billion investment has now lost £27 billion under his reign, it's hard to imagine I could do a worse job. Consider this my formal application, RBS. I await your response with anticipation.

A Syriad of Human Rights Abuses / It's Assad State of Affairs in Syria

Syrian leader Bashar Al-Assad (I've said it before and I'll say it again, he's a poor man's Basil Fawlty, especially given that he runs Syria in roughly the same manner as I would imagine Basil would) has been on the news lately to dispel the rumours that 4000 Syrians had died. He said "No government in the world kill its people unless it's lead by a crazy person", which, on the face of it, is little more than a curious admission of insanity. This would explain his next statement of "Who said the UN is a credible institution?". It's almost like he's pre-emptively preparing his "Insanity" plea for the Hague. "Yeah, well, I AM crazy. Only a crazy person would go on TV and say that someone in his position must be crazy". Apparently the 4000 dead people are all just unlucky victims of rogue officers (That's his defence) who are over-zealous. One dead person, I could understand. Hell, even a dozen could be reasonably ascribed to bad luck. But 4000 seems a stretch too far for that logic, reasonably.

In other Dictator-that-won't-admit-it news, Vladimir Putin has been under scrutiny after protests against the ever-so-slightly rigged elections. He's blasted his critics with a 4 and a half hour question and answer session. According to his spokesperson, Putin might "reinvent himself and show the world Putin mark 2". This does not surprise me, as he is actually a robot built by the Kremlin. He will, actually, literally reinvent himself and build Putin Mark 2. Election officials at the Kremlin are probably shouting "Gentlemen! We can rebuild him! We have the technology! We have the capability to build the world's first bionic politician! Better than he was before!". Vladimir Putin is the 6 billion ruble man. This four and half hour question session was his longest ever. As if you need any more evidence that he's an improved robot.

Apparently, Japan has utilised some of the funds allocated to recovery after the tsunami to whaling. I suppose it makes sense. Where did the tsunami come from? The sea. Where do whales live? The sea. It's all adding up here against the whales. I'm personally inclined to call this rather more of a police investigation than a hunting trip. There's no accusations yet, but if those whales have nothing to hide, then they have nothing to fear. Except being harpooned, dragged onto land, and cut into bits, then sold to the public, all in the name of scientific research ("Which sauce goes best with whale flesh: A study" is due out any time now). I guess that is a legitimate whale-concern.

Economy news (The whole catastrophic meltdown thing has rather dragged on), and the IMF has decided to wade in and spread a bit of Christmas cheer! Hooray! What sort of good news do they have for us? Oh. The economic outlook is "Gloomy". Brilliant. Well, thanks for that. Apparently George Osborne has been VERY good this year, and he's sent a letter to Santa asking him if he could have a stronger economy for Christmas this year. Press reports describe him as "Hopeful but not expectant" and he also stressed just how good he was, saying "I haven't taken any cocaine with any hookers this year, unlike 1993" and giving an enthusiastic double thumbs-up. We should be out of the woods by New Years, I expect.

Weather news! Apparently, we should be prepared for snow! In winter of all times! How absurd. I was expecting 23 degree heat and glorious sunshine. Thank god the forecasters warned me, I'll have to cancel the golf game I'd scheduled for December 21st. Seriously. It's winter. It's not a cataclysmic, world-ending snow. It's as devilishly high as 4 inches in some places, apparently. Will the nation cope with this positive ice age? It's hard to tell at this early stage.

Made Up News makes a welcome return (He says, optimistically), with the news this week that David Cameron and fellow Cabinet minister George Osborne are to release a rap CD about the economy. Cameron, or as he wishes to be known now, Davey C, said to the press "One really mustn't come across as a fuddy-duddy to the electorate", before Georgie O leapt in with "Yes, and it's about the economy, so it's an educational tool more than anything". One track, "Mao Money, Mao Problems" focuses on the growing Chinese market, their strict control over their currency's value, and the effect this has had on worldwide markets. Backed by "M.C. NC" Nick Clegg, the trio hope to be more successful than Parliament's previous efforts into rap (in which Tony Blair, Tony Benn, and Tony Baldry formed "Tony! Tony! Tony!", with 1996's must-have album "Members of the House of Music"), and are aiming for chart success with "Country-House Grammar". The first single "Boom Boom Pow", a look at the driving forces of a strong military in supporting a good economy, is out on December 19th and is hoping for the Christmas number one spot.

This policy is similar to Thatcher's desire to be seen as "in touch", in which she, Geoffrey Howe, John Major and Nigel Lawson released a 3 hour prog-rock concept double-album called "Troubles" about Northern Ireland. The album was released under the band name "Iron Lady", and was followed up by the 1982 foreign policy concept "Argy Bargy", and their third and final album 1989's "Minor Miner Kerfuffle", a 75 minute single-track tape. The group split up when Nigel Lawson left to form Leftfield in 1990, with whom he still tours to this day.

And Finally (This is a new section that's not about the news, and is instead, just about my life): I heard "Friday" by Rebecca Black on Radio 4. Everything I thought I knew about the world, a relatively minor amount, has been disregarded in light of this evidence. The previously unthinkable is now, by contrast, eminently thinkable. If this can happen, what next? Monkeys learn to talk, the sun darkens and endless night falls across an uncaring Earth, the Conservatives win a majority in Scotland? I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.

An Interview with the Camerons

AV, the issue that has torn families asunder under the pressure of electoral reform, with the huge spike in divorces over the last 3 months (some 2000 divorces since February 1) said to be caused by bitter couples arguing over electoral reform, ending up on who did the dishes last Tuesday, and ultimately divorce. Some men have been seen heading out late at night, to see a woman, pay her cash in hand to have her agree with his political assertions. “That’s very well reasoned, go on…” she coos softly into their ear. Just one of these families is the Cameron family of number 10 Downing Street, but David Cameron (44) has surprisingly come out in favour of AV this week, having been convinced by his wife that it’s the best thing for the nation. David said “You can’t argue with the missus, can you?” in an embarrassing attempt to ingratiate himself with the voters. Samantha Cameron (39) delivered her own statement showing her reasoning behind being in favour of the alternative vote, saying “Unlike David, I grew up on a tough estate with weekly shootings. Admittedly, it was a country estate and the only thing being shot were pheasants, but I’ve always been in favour of the serfs” said the baroness. David added “She’s always been for the proles. I swear, you’d think she’s a communist. She sometimes does the washing up herself and gives Sandra the day off!”. Samantha shot back “Just because you’re fiscally short-sighted and content with allowing our government to stagnate doesn’t mean we all are! Some of us are concerned with responsible representation in a more democratic fashion!”. David rolled his eyes towards me, in a sort of helpless, pitiful way. “There there, pet” he murmured. “No need to get all worked up while he’s here.” When from behind me, I hear Nancy (7) chime in “This policy is so obvious even I can see the logical underpinnings of demanding greater voter approval to lead a majority government! And I’m 7!” to which David said “Have you been listening to Question Time again?! I told you not to listen to that! The BBC is a Faustian evil! We follow the one, true Murdoch way here!”. Nancy, grabbing her little brother, said “Forming a political elite with propaganda from the Murdoch empire is precisely the reason this voting reform is so important for the people!”. David lost his temper, shouted “Go to your room and think about what you’ve done!”. Nancy stuck out her tongue and ran out of the room, with young Arthur (5) following close behind. David went out to check they went upstairs. Samantha turned to me and said “This is tearing us apart. I’m not sure we can make it to the election. I just don’t get why David can’t see it! Typical old Etonian!” she said before pouring me a tea, and going to check on the children. David came back in, a little sardonic smile on his face. “Tsk, kids eh? What are they like! One day they’re shoving lego up their nose, next day they’re voicing political dissidence on a key issue this government faces. They grow up so fast. Anyways, what were we saying?”. I asked if he was really in favour of AV, and he leaned in conspiringly and whispered “Between you and me? It’s just a front for the wife. She likes it when I listen to her opinion, but I don’t ever need to bother doing anything about it. Like the voters."

(I should stress, absolutely none of this actually happened. I fabricated it entirely from Wikipedia and my imagination, an intriguing mix of fact and fiction.)

David Cameron

The man at the head of this Conservative revival is the Rt. Hon. David "Call me Dave" Cameron, MP. He has been the leader of the Conservatives since December 2005. The direct descendant of an actual King of England (William the fourth, not particularly important or memorable, but still, a king nevertheless), he has somehow convinced the nation that he is the man to lead us into a new dawn of success.

The Conservatives are traditionalists with a repugnant air of neo-liberalism about them. They've traded in their ideals for votes in a manner so similar to Tony Blair of 1997, I'm surprised they didn't just call themselves "New Conservatives". The similarities between Blair and Cameron are pretty obvious, both pretty moderate within their own party's views and once leader, opting for things which will no doubt annoy their supporters whilst raking undecided "I would vote liberal but they'll never win" voters in (don't even get me started on the people who vote Lab/Con to screw the other party, rather than voting for the Liberals, as they wish to, but hey, political reform can be an issue for another post). Despite the fact it's been less than 3 years since Blair left, this has been long enough for the people to forget why he was reviled in public, and elect in his Conservative counter-part. I'd be surprised if they didn't come in boxes that Lord Mandelson and Lord Ashcroft buy, then make at home with glue. I'd like to imagine they come in a little box marked with "Just add Oxbridge!" and a little picture of the door to number 10. "Conservative model comes with free Eton-education!".

Unsurprisingly, I'm not a massive fan of Dav-o. If I was in the same room as him, I think I would punch him. I wouldn't make solid contact of course, because my hand would just slip off his shiny, smooth face. It would be like punching a balloon. I'd like to his imagine his eyes glow red then, and he kills me with his bare hands as I rip off his facemask and reveal the robotic features beneath.

That so many conservative posters were (hilariously) vandalised in a manner designed to make him look as disturbingly un-electable as possible I think shows our collective dislike of him.

Of course, his ride to Number 10 hasn't been easy, he's had to give up shooting and hunting, and stamping on commoners and whatever else he used to call a Tuesday. He's also had some clangers as Tory leader, the 2006 scandal where he cycled to work, whilst a car drove just yards behind him, carrying his briefcase. Of course he is a keen cyclist, we know this, because all keen cyclists lock up their bikes properly, and not stupidly, to say, a bollard. That would be the act of an utter imbecile, who has enough money to just buy a new bike, because his old one was stolen because he couldn't lock it up properly.

This is because Cameron is more style than substance, an actor. He is no more concerned with your council tax than he is with the weather. And he only cares about the weather because he plans to go sailing this afternoon. The recent lack of clampdowns on homophobic MPs shows he's acting. "I say Philip, old boy" he pipes. "These homosexuals, could you try not to be so frightfully mean in public? Tell the press I've had a word with you, and you're very sorry. Use 'Repent'. The proles won't know it". The trouble is the voters appear to like actors more than politicians.

Also, I like that Wikipedia boldly has a section entitled "Allegations of social elitism" in Big Dave's page, because if only utilising his old-Etonian friends and Oxbridge graduates in your party is social elitism, those allegations are pretty substantial.

And, of course, he has a face like an enchanted pancake.