David Cameron

The man at the head of this Conservative revival is the Rt. Hon. David "Call me Dave" Cameron, MP. He has been the leader of the Conservatives since December 2005. The direct descendant of an actual King of England (William the fourth, not particularly important or memorable, but still, a king nevertheless), he has somehow convinced the nation that he is the man to lead us into a new dawn of success.

The Conservatives are traditionalists with a repugnant air of neo-liberalism about them. They've traded in their ideals for votes in a manner so similar to Tony Blair of 1997, I'm surprised they didn't just call themselves "New Conservatives". The similarities between Blair and Cameron are pretty obvious, both pretty moderate within their own party's views and once leader, opting for things which will no doubt annoy their supporters whilst raking undecided "I would vote liberal but they'll never win" voters in (don't even get me started on the people who vote Lab/Con to screw the other party, rather than voting for the Liberals, as they wish to, but hey, political reform can be an issue for another post). Despite the fact it's been less than 3 years since Blair left, this has been long enough for the people to forget why he was reviled in public, and elect in his Conservative counter-part. I'd be surprised if they didn't come in boxes that Lord Mandelson and Lord Ashcroft buy, then make at home with glue. I'd like to imagine they come in a little box marked with "Just add Oxbridge!" and a little picture of the door to number 10. "Conservative model comes with free Eton-education!".

Unsurprisingly, I'm not a massive fan of Dav-o. If I was in the same room as him, I think I would punch him. I wouldn't make solid contact of course, because my hand would just slip off his shiny, smooth face. It would be like punching a balloon. I'd like to his imagine his eyes glow red then, and he kills me with his bare hands as I rip off his facemask and reveal the robotic features beneath.

That so many conservative posters were (hilariously) vandalised in a manner designed to make him look as disturbingly un-electable as possible I think shows our collective dislike of him.

Of course, his ride to Number 10 hasn't been easy, he's had to give up shooting and hunting, and stamping on commoners and whatever else he used to call a Tuesday. He's also had some clangers as Tory leader, the 2006 scandal where he cycled to work, whilst a car drove just yards behind him, carrying his briefcase. Of course he is a keen cyclist, we know this, because all keen cyclists lock up their bikes properly, and not stupidly, to say, a bollard. That would be the act of an utter imbecile, who has enough money to just buy a new bike, because his old one was stolen because he couldn't lock it up properly.

This is because Cameron is more style than substance, an actor. He is no more concerned with your council tax than he is with the weather. And he only cares about the weather because he plans to go sailing this afternoon. The recent lack of clampdowns on homophobic MPs shows he's acting. "I say Philip, old boy" he pipes. "These homosexuals, could you try not to be so frightfully mean in public? Tell the press I've had a word with you, and you're very sorry. Use 'Repent'. The proles won't know it". The trouble is the voters appear to like actors more than politicians.

Also, I like that Wikipedia boldly has a section entitled "Allegations of social elitism" in Big Dave's page, because if only utilising his old-Etonian friends and Oxbridge graduates in your party is social elitism, those allegations are pretty substantial.

And, of course, he has a face like an enchanted pancake.