Nick Clegg has hailed the "new Axis of Openness" (I cannot openly say such a stupid phrase without quotes indicating someone else said it) in global affairs. Axes are generally bad politically (The world war 2 Axis basically reads like a who's-who of nations who would go on to be the bad guys in a hackneyed and obvious American world war film, and the other famous axis was the "Axis of Evil", presumably used to lend some of the righteousness of World War 2 to the rather less morally upstanding Bush presidency) so to actively place yourself in an axis is usually something politicians try to avoid. Still Nick Clegg, and seemingly, ONLY Nick Clegg, is calling us the "Axis of Openness", on the basis we dropped bombs on someone else's country with UN backing instead of just going it alone again. See, it's the opposite to the Axis of Evil, because this is new and we've all changed! Iran is totally tickety-boo now. And we've fixed Afghanistan (In the same way as electroshock therapy fixes mental illness) so you know, CHANGE. "Just me, then. Oh." said Nick Clegg at his lonely get together for the unveiling of the Axis, before popping the loneliest party popper ever and watching the confetti float down.
New Christian books have been found in Jordan, excitingly. I saw new. Exceptionally old Christian books. Possibly written just after the crucifixion. Given the church's quick uptake of everything science produces, I'm sure the church will totally be on board with this sometime in the 24th century, after torturing the person who found them. Still, exciting. I'm curious to see what they say. "Hey guys, I know Jesus told us to be good to everyone, but I think we should follow the bible literally, ignore that weirdo.", I'd like to imagine it says. Perhaps it says "Thou shalt hide institutionalised paedophilia to preserve the church's moral authority" somewhere. ZING.
Made Up News
David Cameron recently revealed parliament's latest measure, an act passed in the last few days, which states "David Cameron is too sexy for his shirt, too sexy for his shirt, so sexy it hurts". The bill passed, despite some impassioned debate, which saw Eric Pickles accuse Ed Miliband of insecurities over his own "lanky form" calling him a "Stick insect" in a heated moment, to which Miliband shot back "If I'm a stick insect, you must be an entire tree." after which Osborne accused Margaret Beckett of having a face "So disturbingly equine that if she broke her leg, the doctor would shoot her instead of giving her a cast.". After a full day's debating, the vote narrowly passed by one vote whilst Margaret Beckett was crying in the toilets, looking at the mirror, with fellow MP Harriet Harman consoling her, and Diane Abbott saying "I look GREAT in purple. Gove doesn't know crap about colour theory". Meanwhile, Nick Clegg told his Libdem colleagues that "I'm, too sexy for your party, too sexy for your party, No way I'm dancing" to which Charles Kennedy took affront, accusing Clegg of blatant misleading of the public, and demanding that Lynne Featherstone compare their six packs. Right Said Fred were not available for comment, but a close friend said "This has gone too far. We all thought this ended in 1992 with Kinnock's Labour Conference striptease".