Tuesday, 8 March 2011

Tripoli-tical Animal

The story of Libya rumbles on like the hungry stomach of a malnourished child is one of Africa's sub-Saharan nations this week. Colonel Gaddafi, current leader of the "Worst falling despot 2011" league tables and voted "Most Melty Face (UN-edition)" for three years running, has taken to being toppled from power with all the good grace of a professional footballer who has been caught by the referee. "What do you mean, I was offside!? I was yards onside! Ref, come on! You're just taking this out on me because of that bad tackle and the mass genocide I have wreaked upon the rebel forces! You could have booked me instead of all this!" I imagine he would say. Libya has descended into what is essentially a civil war, with Gaddafi hurling airstrikes at the problem, hoping it'll go away, whilst the rebel forces have started arming themselves to deal with the threat. Gaddafi, of course, has been masterminding his attack from his fortress at Mount Doom in Mordor, sending his Orc army out to attack under the leadership of Saruman. Wait no, sorry, I've just been told that was in fact Lord Sauron of Lord of the Rings fame. Very similar characters, those two. Gaddafi has been attacking from his only marginally bombed stronghold in Tripoli, whilst insisting like a police officer at a murder scene at the passing media: "Move along, move along, nothing to see here.", when in fact, there is, quite a lot to see. Some of which the Chief Prosecutor at the ICC (International Criminal Court, not the other ICC, the cricketing body.) is interested in, saying "No one has the right to massacre civilians". Good to see he's on the ball. That being said, one of Gaddafi's sons said to Sky that the bombs were "just to frighten them". Blimey. Imagine what they'd do if they wanted to kill them.

In a similarly 80's vibe (Hating Gaddafi was all the rage back then, I hear/know because he was bombed in '86), making a strong comeback, wearing his "I love the 80's!" t-shirt and leather jacket, it's football hooliganism and sectarian violence! Glasgow witnessed one of the worst tempered football matches in a long line of bad tempered football matches. 3 red cards, 13 yellows, and a touchline fight between Neil Lennon and Ally McCoist. Neil Lennon, only on the touchline because he was appealing his touchline ban, and Ally McCoist, normally fairly mild-mannered, went head to head at the end of the game, because, clearly, the result of a football tie between two clubs in a nation renowned for being crap at football is THAT important. Oh, wait, this is the most I've heard about Scottish football all year, and only because of the fighting. No-one said "Oh, well, it was a good game, plenty of free-flowing attacking football", everyone said "There was a FIGHT!". Basically, Scotland clearly wants and needs a "Have a fight" league. Rangers and Celtic will still be the two biggest clubs, but there's more of a chance for the smaller clubs to get a big cup win.

Other improbably large news, for no real reason, US TV star goes a little bit crazy, world explodes into chaotic madness, not so much blowing Libya off the front pages as kicking Libya in the face, laying dynamite under it, and exploding it directly into next week. Yes, it's Charlie Sheen, star of a US sitcom, who did some drugs and hired some prostitutes. Not normally a story of proportions as epic as this, but the man is churning out golden quotes like a magic goose churns out golden eggs. I'll give you a brief list of my favourites:
"I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body." is my personal favourite. It may well be my favourite thing anyone has ever said out loud, purely for how silly it is. But he tries to trump it with:
"I got tiger blood, man. My brain...fires in a way that is - I don't know, maybe not from this particular terrestrial realm.". Perhaps he is a tiger-blooded alien. I guess we'll never know.

In other TV news, Bargain Hunt (BBC) has taken on a new slant, as this week two teams gather together to try and corrupt influential culture secretary Jeremy Hunt, but who will do it at the lowest price? On the red team, we have Rupert Murdoch and his son, who have gone in with the surprisingly low bid of splitting Sky news from BSkyB, so as to keep Sky News' peerless editorial integrity that it had when Murdoch owned a mere 39% of it, and his son was Chairman. On the other side, the British public have offered critical disapproval of the red team whilst demanding a stronger BBC (Or at least, they should be). Corporation versus Proletariat, I wonder which way lifelong-Tory, Jeremy Hunt will go. IT IS A MYSTERY.

Made Up News

David Cameron has revealed his newest promise to the people, saying "I have a team of our best researchers working day and night to help me craft one ring to rule them all. Sorry, did I say "Me"? I meant "Us". So that we can do it. Together.". The pledge, not featured until late in the manifesto ("Lower taxes for the middle class, greater distribution of wealth amongst the nation, craft one ring to rule them all, better housing, benefit cuts") is said to be a personal ambition of the prime minister's. "If you lot won't bother to be a Big Society, I guess I'll have to carve the Uruk-hai out of the Earth itself in order to get these libraries run properly. Say what you like about them getting mud on the books, those orcs certainly know how to organise a good Dewey Decimal system" said the Witney MP. Cameron waved aside any comparisons between him and Lord Sauron, saying that it was "Outlandish" and "Derisory" to slur him with such an association. Nick Clegg, upon hearing the news, said "I know we promised to fight the forces of evil, doing what is right and good and bringing sunshine into an otherwise dark and pitiless world, but times change, and we have to move with those times, and I for one, welcome our new Overlord. All hail Lord Cameron!" before fleeing under the penetrating gaze of the might "Eye of Cameron".

It has recently been revealed that the real reason Elvis Presley got the nickname "The King" was not because of his status as "King of Rock and Roll", but because of his illicit love affair with the Queen. This is also thought to be the location of his nickname "the Pelvis", but thus far reports of his enthusiastic sexual technique have been unsubstantiated. With the release of the news, the Queen released a short statement saying "He certainly took me to Heartbreak Hotel every night, and I let him be my Teddy bear, but when it turned out he was nothing but a hounddog, he got me all shook up, and so I HAD to be cruel, I said "It's now or never for us", and, though he accused me of being the devil in disguise, I said "It's Too much", and now I'm lonesome every night". (Feel free to go look up Elvis' list of singles. I'll wait here).

More musical news from the 1960s now, as Bob Dylan released the real reason he wrote the song "Like a rolling stone", as he had recently fired backing drummer Floyd Moss, and he said to then back-up drummer Redondo Chimara, "We're like a rolling stone: We gather no moss". Highly amused by his own witty persiflage, he wrote the entire song in one afternoon. When quizzed about it earlier this week after the release of Redondo's autobiography, he said "Yeah, it's true, me and Redondo shared some clever badinage, but I swear it's a socio-political political love song! I swear!" before being corrected and saying "Sorry, I meant "Redondo and I", not Redondo and me.".

All of that, made up fresh this week in my bakery of creative whimsy, number 45, Lie Street. Fun fact: Because of the heavy false content today, I was going to title this "Lie, Lie, Lie, Delilah" but the repetition of "Lie" in Delilah made me change my mind.

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