Monday, 14 March 2011

Lib-Dems do some Soul Searching

Ed Miliband, Labour leader, pro-AV and "Alright at the Rubik's cube when he was younger", has said the Yes2AV campaign would be better off without Nick Clegg's involvement. Ed Miliband calling you unpopular amongst the electorate must be a brutal experience, akin, one only imagines, to being called a womanising philanderer by Silvio Berlusconi, or accused of vote rigging by Robert Mugabe. Miliband explicitly used the phrase "The best thing Nick Clegg can do... is lie low for a bit.", and giving Miliband credit where he's due, I'm pretty certain the use of "Lie low" like a criminal is intended. "No officer, I know I explicitly promised not to break into that house and steal all of their possessions, but then I met my good friend David and he told me it'd be tickety-boo.". Perhaps the best part of this phrase is the imagery that Clegg is on the run from the electorate, as we storm into his house in a night-time raid, he's holed up with his cousin's friend Timmy "till the heat wears off", whilst outside, posters with pictures of his face under "Wanted" flutter around the streets like the paper promises that fluttered behind him in his campaign based on not breaking promises.

Speak of the Devil, Nick Clegg has told the Lib Dem conference that "we will not lose our soul". Before later adding "Sell it, maybe, but we would never lose it. That would just be careless.". Of course, the Liberals pawned their soul in 1988 to some dodgy dealers, and have been saving up to buy it back since then (Boom, take that, SDP!). Some of the crowd were confused by Nick Clegg's words, saying afterwards "Of course we'll never lose our Soul, we keep it next to our smooth jazz and Electronica sections. I can't get enough of Kraftwerk's 1981 album Computer World, so I see our Soul section often.", with another crowd member adding "It's all very well saying we won't lose our sole, but other fish numbers are depleting rapidly and to focus on a fairly unpopular dish at the expense of cod and haddock is to give in to Brussels!", before muttering something too obscene to recreate here in front of your delicate eyes about European fishing quotas.

Also at the conference this week, Nick Clegg, so used to being in opposition as a Lib Dem, has forgotten the golden rules of being in government: Don't make promises you can't keep, unlike in opposition, where make outlandish promises to make the current incumbents look incompetent for failing to deliver tax cuts and a golden-egg laying goose in every household. The promise he's going to fail to keep this week is NHS reform. "Yes to NHS reform, no to privatisation". The Tories, well known for their opposition to privatisation, provided you missed their previous forays into government by being particularly poorly informed, or in my case, 5 when they were kicked out, are surprisingly keen on making money at the expense of the poor. Privatisation, of course, is a runaway success, provided that the runaway in question is a four year old who has been denied her sweets, so has stormed out of the house, and is now cold and wet in the park, possibly crying, with British Rail (Just one example, off the top of my head), but perhaps we should hold off with the NHS. Still, Nick Clegg has vowed not to let it happen, so I'll see you in our new privatised NHS next year, possibly bleeding heavily and being ignored.

Iris Robinson, most famous for having an affair, and then using political advantage to help her (Uh... apparently the closest male equivalent of a mistress, and I can't believe I have to type this word) gigolo, is not to be charged by people in power. Lesson learnt, if you want to get undeserved advantage, sleep with a leading politician. David Blunkett proved it with the whole "visa application for the nanny of his lover" fiasco. That's when I started to have an affair with Margaret Thatcher, which is how I can afford my luxurious lifestyle, where I dine on nothing but pheasant and veal cutlets. I should stress, I'm not actually having an affair with Margaret Thatcher. Unlike Edwina Currie, I'm not a big fan of having affairs with leaders of the conservative party of the last 30 years for political gain. ZING. (More research turns out, this should be "members", because she also had an affair with the hilariously misnamed "Right Honourable" Lord Cecil Parkinson. She must have a captivating personality. Or Conservative MPs are terrible husbands. Probably the latter.)

Since this has been in the news, STILL, to my constant bemusement. Couple get married. Entire world explodes in jubilation for unfathomable reasons. Two strangers you don't know are getting married. It happens every weekend and no-one cares, unless it's Will and Kate. To go with the inexplicable nature of the public delight at the marriage, William has his name shortened to "Wills", in a manner with is completely perplexing. Will, I could understand, perhaps, at a push, Willy. But Wills MAKES NO SENSE. Why would you throw that final "s" on there? WHY?! To go with other pointless nicknames that bear little resemblance to the actual names, Charles has announced he wishes the press would refer to him as "Chocolate Thunder". "It's the nickname I had at school and was going to be my name on the pro-wrestling circuit before I was cruelly snatched away and forced to be next in line to the throne." whilst Eugene and Beatrice have demanded to be called "Thing 1" and "Thing 2" after the characters from The Cat in the Hat. Likewise, Prince Andrew wishes to be called "The Cat" in the tabloids from now on, finding "Randy Andy" a tad old. The Queen has asked to be nicknamed "Q" after the character from modern Bond films, adding "I think Judi Dench is so positively marvellous!", whilst Prince Philip wants to be called "Adonis" after his classical Greek roots. I could take the easy shot of suggesting Harry be called "Der Fuhrer!", but that's cheap and lazy, and I'm better than that. Instead I'll leave that blank.

Made Up News

No made up news today. Consider the nicknames I gave to royals as the made up news. And the bit about me having an affair with Thatcher. Basically consider everything I impart to you as 4 parts news to one part lies, at BEST.

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