Friday, 5 February 2010


I'm sure the vast majority of you know what facebook is, but incase you accidentally stumbled onto the internet in a web-cafe before going back to your professional career of living under a rock, it's basically a method to connect with your friends.
The key word here, however, is "friends". What it actually means is "People you met once and haven't spoken to since that one meeting" or "People you see occasionally but have no real connection with". What it doesn't mean, by the vast majority of people who use it is "People I would have round my house".

"Timothy Smith has 196 friends", it boldly claims. "Wow," I think "Timmy must be really bloody sociable." and I definitely don't think, ever "Timmy's a bloody liar, I bet he speaks to at most, half of that and only likes a quarter." because that'd be childish of me. But Timmy isn't even the most audacious of friend-whores, desperately accumulating "Friends" in the vain hope that at some point his utterly meaningless existence will be mourned upon his passing by more than 7 people. I have seen some astonishing figures for friends. 324 friends. NO-ONE has 324 friends. Even Barack Obama has, at most, 200. You couldn't even remember 324 names, let alone PEOPLE!

There's people adding ME as a friend on facebook. People I spoke to, cumulatively throughout all the time I've known them, for about 6 minutes. "This is clearly the basis of a friendship. So let's add them! 392 friends now! Woo!" is what must pass through their minds. I've spoken to some shop assistants longer than I have spoken to them.

Facebook whores itself out to me as well. "Here are some suggested friends" it cheekily advertises to me. "I know them!" I think, cheerily. "I saw them once, at a function where I spoke to him/her for maybe 2 minutes. Good times..." and of course, add them with merry abandon, since I had some sort of terrible brain injury, and think these total strangers are in some way my friend because I already know their name. Ridiculous.

"Hey, let's be facebook friends!"
"We just met, but since I'm desperate for friends, okay!"
"Oh my God, we have SO much in common!" is how I imagine the conversation goes. Then they play "Who can run into the wall the fastest", or maybe a rousing game of "Who needs a helmet?!", or any other sport where their brain is gently rocked to and fro gradually losing consciousness, before they pass out due to brain damage.

Thinking up a pithy response is tricky, so I recruited Andrew Bigathy, a man with 412 friends on facebook. I added him as a friend (He accepted, clearly) and asked for pithy ending. He mailed one back to me:

"Ok, pithy ending, go away now, I are finish-ed". I hasten to add, the r was backwards. As was he.

No comments:

Post a Comment