Monday, 10 January 2011

Birds falling out the Sky

Apparently, in Arkansas, birds have started plummeting out of the sky, dead. Many theories have been put forward to explain this, including "Fireworks, which have previously killed very few birds, have caused entire flocks to drop dead for no new reason." and "The Apocalypse is nigh".

I reckon it's a communal existential nihilism, as the flocks have, as a group, discovered their own mortality and how meaningless their own existence really is, and plummeted out of the sky. Killed by self-awareness. We never should have translated Nietzsche into Bird. I always said "This can only have negative consequences, stick to lighter stuff, like Wodehouse" (Pigeons love their Wodehouse) but they just didn't listen. Look at us now.

Apparently, fish have been washing up on the shore, dead. Some people have blamed pollution, but I reckon sharks have evolved to spread the message of their own hopeless lives to the fish, causing them to slide into a fishy spiral of depression and eventually take their own lives, making easy food for sharks. Philosophical hunters are nightmares, the lions famously lured the zebras into a cult society which ultimately ended with a group-suicide amongst the zebras to be closer to their eternal ruler. A nightmare.

I can just imagine them now.
"Haha, Shark, didn't catch me that time!" giggled Fish as he swam away.
"You're still going to die, Fish. You are a mere mortal. You cannot evade death forever. What is the purpose of your existence? Will you ever change anything? Or is the world without you the same as the world with you!?" yelled back Shark, which, although a long sentence, still carried well underwater.
"Perhaps he's right," thought Fish, swimming away. "Is there any point to it all? Why do I exist? Oh, goodness, it's all so meaningless! I know, I'll have a word with Dave, he'll know."
"Dave! Dave!" yelled Fish
"Oh, alright Pete? What's up?" said Dave, font of fishy-wisdom
"Dave, I'm having an existential crisis! What is the purpose of me?! What is the purpose of us!? Do we exist for a reason!? Will anything we do change anything ever?!"
"WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" cried Dave to the school of fish. "Quick, let's end our misery now!" and they flung themselves onto the beaches like D-Day landers.

Or not. I'm not sure.

No comments:

Post a Comment