Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Factipedia: Rupert Murdoch

Born in 0AD in Australia as Satan's answer to Jesus, Rupert Murdoch lay dormant until 1770, when he was discovered by James Cook in Botany Bay. He spent the years between 1770 and 1784 learning to read and write English, Dutch and, rumour has it, Klingon. In 1785, he floated across to Britain on a raft made from the shells of tortoises and hollowed out trees. On his arrival in London, he immediately founded the Times, under the alias of John Walter, and then used a variety of puppets to control the company until he felt powerful enough to use his own name, uniting all his industries (Including, by this stage in his career, News of the World, and Fox entertainment) under the overarching branches of his News Corp tree. News Corp has a 14% shortfall in its accounts every year, money that shareholders are assuming Rupert Murdoch is using to fund his own personal Death Star, complete with bottomless pit, for him to keep his money in. Rupert Murdoch has been declared illegal in Italy thanks to a confusing by-law introduced by Silvio Berlusconi. Rupert Murdoch has never been seen dancing, but legend has it he is the only person to attain a perfect score on every single song in Dance Dance Revolution, a rumour he has neither confirmed nor denied. He supported WE Gladstone in all of his election victories, with The News of the World running the headline "It was The News of the World which did win it for WE Gladstone!" in 1892, because William and Rupert shared the same middle name, Ewart, a fact Murdoch has worked incredibly hard to keep out of the public eye, but many suspect the band "REM" were named after Murdoch's initials. It's said that Rupert Murdoch personally shot Archduke Ferdinand because sales of his papers were flagging, and it's not said whether he expected the ensuing chaos, but sales of his newspaper were never higher than in 1914. In 1971, he met the love of his life, Margaret Thatcher, but just as fate giveth with one hand, he taketh away with the other, and after a disastrous one night stand, Satan told them they were both related by blood to him. That night produced the slightly satanic and quite inbred James Murdoch, although this fact was little-publicised as the press never found out about his real mother. Being a naturally poor parent, Rupert Murdoch is alleged to have used his powers to have granted life to a raggedy-anne doll that James adored, calling it Rebekah and watching it grow up with his son. When the time came, they both got jobs within his papers. Rupert Murdoch dismissed any cries of nepotism with "If it's good enough for God, it's good enough for me".

Trivia about Rupert Murdoch

He invented the flared jean, but took no credit for it, bestowing it upon the people as a gift.
He survives only on cubed pineapple and koala meat.
He once outstared Winston Churchill, in a four hour epic over the cabinet table. Both men had to have sandwiches brought in, and at one stage around 2 hours in, it looked like Murdoch had got the giggles, but he regained his composure.
He has clean bowled WG Grace and Donald Bradman, both for 0, with his tricky medium-pace off-cutters.

I'm still allowed to edit wikipedia.

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