Wednesday, 6 April 2011

Ow, I think I broke my Libya bone!

Libya is once again making some of, if not all, the headlines this week, largely due to the wild and chaotic revolution that is taking place there and the occasional, seemingly random bombings by UN-backed "Peacekeeping forces". An odd oxymoron, that. A tad like a "criminal policeman", or a doctor handing out free cigarettes. Still, we apparently have the moral authority to drop bombs on them, which is both mildly pleasing and fairly disappointing. Like the death penalty, a group of disconnected people have determined that it's a-okay to exact the eye-for-an-eye punishment. Maybe if we catch Gaddafi, we can exact the similarly biblical revenge and stone him to death.

In a brilliant combination of stories, Gaddafi was one of the men who had his phone hacked by News of the World. Glenn Mulcaire hacked his phone between 2005 and 2011, with revelations such as his support of the IRA in the 80s and his alarming fondness for terrorism. Also, calls from American prime ministers asking how the oil was coming along and whether or not he could make a token payment to the people affected by that pesky "Blowing up a plane in mid air, killing several people" issue (That's the sort of thing people people tend not to forget easily, but a few million dollars always greases the slipway to forgetfulness). A few messages from Gerry Adams saying stuff like "Thanks for all that funding! Really appreciate it.". Not really, I made that all up.

But the biggest story of the week! Police bother to solve case 6 years after it was opened. A police spokesman said "I know we should have solved this earlier, but honestly, we're busy people, and it totally slipped our mind that politically-advantageous reporters might be incriminated by phone hacking. Admittedly, I say slipped when I mean "Was pushed* by political powers who needed the sway of tabloid papers to connect with the increasingly disenfranchised electorate", but the point is still absolutely valid". Murdoch's other newspapers reported the story, the Sun reprising its 1997 election victory model with a minor alteration to "It's the Sun wot done it". Still, the police, aided by several lawsuits, have finally got off their arses and decided to try and solve the ever-expanding mystery of which tabloid journalists might not be impeccable with their investigating methods. I dare say they'll roll out Frost, Miss Marple, Poirot and indeed, Morse to solve this case; a conundrum on such an unrivalled scale as this deserves no less. Or they could go into the News of the World offices, throw some rocks, and arrest whoever they hit on suspicion of phone-hacking.

Nick Clegg breaks another promise news now, as his reform for political interns getting paid to work (How very modern) fails to materialise. Similarly, his children were promised bicycles if they did all the dishes for a year, and 6 years on, there is nary a hint of wheel nor pedal in the Clegg household. Interns at the illustrious Lib Dem offices (Slogan "Breaking promises since 2010") have been told there is no chance they'll get paid this year. One unpaid intern, Moses, 22 from Egypt, said "I shall reign down with the righteousness of the almighty for this grave injustice" before turning to camera to offer a direct message to Mr Clegg saying "Let my people GO!". Unconfirmed reports of a plague of locusts o'er the Lib Dem offices have been flooding in, several staff members have been seen removing frogs upon exiting the building, and some visitors reported seeing Red crosses on the doors of the interns' offices.

Made Up News

With the news that the police are to re-open old cases which had a political motivation behind them, several lions up and down Italy have been scared into hiding. One such lion, who spoke to me on condition of maintaining anonymity, revealed his role in the killing and devouring of several Christians several thousand years ago. The lion, since retired from the consumption of new testament admirers and living a quiet life in Turin, north Italy, said "I was only following orders! It's so hard to do what's right when everyone is telling you to savage the man in the robe. This is just like Nuremberg!". He added "There's a Lion-hunt out there ever since the Pope revealed he's not forgiven us for the wanton mastication of several key figures in Catholic history." before cowering behind the curtain as a mob armed with pith helmets and hunting rifles passed his riverside apartment. "Doesn't the Milgram experiment count for anything!?" he growled, running a paw through his greying mane. Another lion I spoke to, who was until recently part of the thriving Rome community and admired by all, said that he was living in fear for actions he'd done as a youth, 2000 years ago. "Everyone was doing it" he said. "Peer pressure is so persuasive in these scenarios, y'know? Do you know what we call the Androcles and the lion story? Androcles and the wimp. Despicable, I know, but it's what we did at the time. The lions who were in with Daniel and didn't eat him were laughed at for years. We always said Gerry died of shame because of that. I just got my life back on track and then this starts up again!". The Catholic Church stressed that it had no official policy towards the 2-millennia old crime, but did suggest privately that, were I to reveal the location of the lions, I would receive a large reward and a free pass to heaven. I must stress, I declined.

*The sort of technical detail still bogging down that Ian Tomlinson death case. "He fell. Well, alright, we pushed him, but the pathologist said we weren't responsible. Well, alright, the pathologist admittedly lost his licence later for a completely unrelated event proving him to be about as trustworthy as a Lib Dem leader (ZING), but can't you just FORGET about this?! I mean come on guys, what's one pesky little death. I'm already over it." said absolutely no-one. Hey, conveniently, it's hard to find any coverage of that whole police-killing-innocent-bystander thing at all on the "Left alone by police after breaking laws" News of the World. I don't want to suggest that they left them alone to have good coverage by them, but it's all very unfortunate. Hey, I wonder who was editor of the News of the World during the phone hacking... Andy Coulson, the recently resigned political spin doctor for the conservative government!? My my, what a coincidence.

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