Thursday, 7 April 2011

The world according to ICC

The ICC have written their rules for the 2015 World Cup, and limited it to ten, predetermined teams that, conveniently, are the test playing nations. So basically, only 10 teams can ever win the "World" cup, regardless of quality, thus, there are only 10 countries according to the ICC. They've contacted the UN and offered their revised map:

England gets all of Europe. South Africa and Zimbabwe are to divide Africa between them. India, Bangladesh and Sri Lanka divide up the entirety of Asia, including Russia. Pakistan to be given all of the Middle East. Australia to be given America as a memento. West Indies get South America. And New Zealand gets Antarctica.

A New Zealand spokesman said "We're sort of happy with Antarctica, as we now control the world market of penguins and have been looking heavily at penguin-skin cricket balls which allow greater turn for the spinners on flat wickets, and have a habit of reverse-swinging a bit earlier." whilst Australia's spokesman said "What are we supposed to do with this?! Look at it! It has a world series for teams that are only in its country! How does baseball even work?!" whilst a West Indian cricketer wondered if mahogany bats might stop his team collapsing in embarrassing fashion from seemingly strong positions. South African politicians were clever enough to call first dibs on any of Africa that isn't "Saharan wasteland", whilst Robert Mugabe said "This is exactly what the people of Zimbabwe need. People will always need sand! Always!". The idea of India and China uniting forces seemed too much to bear for some, so Sri Lanka have taken Chinese territories whilst Bangladesh takes its neighbouring tropical nations such as Laos and Vietnam. India have been gifted all of Russia, and Sachin Tendulkar said "This is why I've been batting almost impeccable for decades for the Indian team, so that we may one day take Russia." before worrying the inevitable pressure of the international series against a weak West Indian side would stop him getting his century of centuries. English spokespeople said "We've had an empire before: To have one again was seemingly inevitable. We saved them in the war, and these ingrates are moaning about the ICC flouting international conventions by redefining the entire world to the 10 test playing countries. We gave them plenty of opportunity to put together a good cricket side, and now they've learnt the dangers of not having a good swing bowling attack and competent batsmen."

Non-test nations were understandably aggrieved, the Vatican sending out a message saying "We've been working on a spin bowling attack to rival anyone and our batsmen have the required grit to grind out a result against even the toughest of teams" before adding "We'll play you for it!". England, taking up the challenge, were skittled to 243 all out in the first innings before the Pope knocked an almost miraculous 823 on a batsman's pitch on days two and three, before declaring on 1723-4, leaving the English the unlikely total of 1481 to win, the English eventually grinding out a draw as Alistair Cook reached 192 not out after 935 balls, a new best for him. The Vatican want another match, this time without the 5 day time limit enforced, as they look to reclaim God's land from the English.

America, much maligned as having had the opportunity to learn and embrace cricket but ditching it in favour of elaborate rounders, said "The collapse of our Empire due to the understandable desire for our population to neither play nor enjoy cricket is something we feel we can respect of our people." before calling their Australian rulers "Petty thieves" and adding "that accent really is ridiculous.".

The ICC said "We feel our new boundaries are acceptable, and have allowed any border countries to debate on which side of the border they wish to be on, in order to support the cricket team they feel best represents them. The Turkish are certainly in talks with both the English and the Pakistani team over who can offer the most incisive number 3 batting and have a consistent strike bowler capable of breaking partnerships." to press. Regarding international laws, the ICC said "We'll use impartial umpires and if any nation feels hard done by with a decision, we'll allow them three referrals per century to the third umpire, who will take a look in the TV replays.".

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