Thursday, 14 April 2011

Special Made Up Bonus Edition!

The UN today announced that we, as a communal whole, are at war with Jupiter. The Earth, longstanding “Most efficient at developing life” champion of our solar system, has always borne a minor grudge against the much larger planet Jupiter, and as a political tool to collectively bring together all the inhabitants of Earth, that grudge has been blown out of proportion and then swung around to force the Earth into action. UN General Secretary Ban Ki-Moon said “It’s been scientifically proven that nothing creates more camaraderie than war. Why else do you think we had the crusades in what was a difficult time politically for the Catholic Church? We’re hoping to capitalise on that by bringing a common foe to all of the world, almighty Jupiter.”. We asked several people on the street what they thought of the 4.5 billion year old behemoth, and Janet, 43 from Middlesborough said “I heard that he sneaks into your house at night and eats you children while you sleep next door. That’s why he’s so big and so many kids at the equator go missing.”, whilst Gary, 22 from Leeds said “I dunno, really, it’s just a celestial body with little or no impact on my day-to-day life, really.” Whilst 84 year old Terry from West Ham said “We can’t give in! show ‘im a bit of the ol’ Blitz spirit! Eh?! Come at us, you grotesque planet!”. Sandra, 44 from Oxford has already composed a song to unite the world’s population, although a rather cruder one has been taken up about Jupiter only having one moon, his others being gnawed off by a raccoon, by all accounts. The major papers have already taken to the story, with the Sun demanding to know if the gravitational pull from the 1.896 x 10^27 kg planet caused the recent tsunamis and earthquakes, whilst the Times editorials wondered if the permanent cloud cover on Jupiter is obscuring a more treacherous misdeed plotted against the planet of Earth. The Guardian wonders whether the dossier compiled which suggest that Jupiter could hurl Europa or Io towards Earth with enough force to knock us out of orbit and into the depths of space, far from our loving Sun, had been “sexed up” to amplify the threat the previously docile planet really poses to the world. Ban Ki-Moon added with his final quip “’If you want peace, you must prepare for war’ has always been true, but perhaps not as the original author intended”.

Ban Ki-Moon, UN general secretary, was originally intended to be called "Ban Keith Moon", a protest by his parents at The Who's 1968 tour of Korea and Keith Moon's prodigiously fast beats which encouraged moral depravity on a scale not seen before or since.

No comments:

Post a Comment