Sunday, 1 May 2011

An Interview with the Camerons

AV, the issue that has torn families asunder under the pressure of electoral reform, with the huge spike in divorces over the last 3 months (some 2000 divorces since February 1) said to be caused by bitter couples arguing over electoral reform, ending up on who did the dishes last Tuesday, and ultimately divorce. Some men have been seen heading out late at night, to see a woman, pay her cash in hand to have her agree with his political assertions. “That’s very well reasoned, go on…” she coos softly into their ear. Just one of these families is the Cameron family of number 10 Downing Street, but David Cameron (44) has surprisingly come out in favour of AV this week, having been convinced by his wife that it’s the best thing for the nation. David said “You can’t argue with the missus, can you?” in an embarrassing attempt to ingratiate himself with the voters. Samantha Cameron (39) delivered her own statement showing her reasoning behind being in favour of the alternative vote, saying “Unlike David, I grew up on a tough estate with weekly shootings. Admittedly, it was a country estate and the only thing being shot were pheasants, but I’ve always been in favour of the serfs” said the baroness. David added “She’s always been for the proles. I swear, you’d think she’s a communist. She sometimes does the washing up herself and gives Sandra the day off!”. Samantha shot back “Just because you’re fiscally short-sighted and content with allowing our government to stagnate doesn’t mean we all are! Some of us are concerned with responsible representation in a more democratic fashion!”. David rolled his eyes towards me, in a sort of helpless, pitiful way. “There there, pet” he murmured. “No need to get all worked up while he’s here.” When from behind me, I hear Nancy (7) chime in “This policy is so obvious even I can see the logical underpinnings of demanding greater voter approval to lead a majority government! And I’m 7!” to which David said “Have you been listening to Question Time again?! I told you not to listen to that! The BBC is a Faustian evil! We follow the one, true Murdoch way here!”. Nancy, grabbing her little brother, said “Forming a political elite with propaganda from the Murdoch empire is precisely the reason this voting reform is so important for the people!”. David lost his temper, shouted “Go to your room and think about what you’ve done!”. Nancy stuck out her tongue and ran out of the room, with young Arthur (5) following close behind. David went out to check they went upstairs. Samantha turned to me and said “This is tearing us apart. I’m not sure we can make it to the election. I just don’t get why David can’t see it! Typical old Etonian!” she said before pouring me a tea, and going to check on the children. David came back in, a little sardonic smile on his face. “Tsk, kids eh? What are they like! One day they’re shoving lego up their nose, next day they’re voicing political dissidence on a key issue this government faces. They grow up so fast. Anyways, what were we saying?”. I asked if he was really in favour of AV, and he leaned in conspiringly and whispered “Between you and me? It’s just a front for the wife. She likes it when I listen to her opinion, but I don’t ever need to bother doing anything about it. Like the voters."

(I should stress, absolutely none of this actually happened. I fabricated it entirely from Wikipedia and my imagination, an intriguing mix of fact and fiction.)

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