Sunday, 22 May 2011


As we all know, super-injunctions are regular injunctions, but born on Krypton. Wait, no, that's superman. A super-injunction is one in which there is also a gagging order imposed on the press to not reveal that the injunction even exists. Several high level celebrities have them, for various reasons, but thankfully the Internet has been gradually revealing all of these stories. I, for my part, am going to reveal all of the celebrity super-injunctions I know, right here.

David Cameron has taken out a super-injunction after the Sun took photographs of him in a Belgian hotel with German Chancellor Angela Merkel, who was clad in little more than a skimpy negligee. The Prime Minister, aged 44, said "It's not like that! We were just discussing economic growth patterns across western Europe of the last 40 years, and how we can use that to predict growth in the manufacturing sector through these times of crisis!", whilst Ms Merkel added "Who can blame us for getting together to discuss our fiscal policies and economic plans for our respective nations? And I certainly can't do any high-level political discussion of global economics when I'm wearing anything more blood-constricting than my light bed-wear.". When grilled about the fact it was in a Belgian hotel, they said "It was a neutral location we could both travel to with relative ease, and no more should be read into the fact that it was a foreign nation, and that we booked the hotel under Mr and Mrs Smith".

One premiership footballer (Unnamed) has an injunction against any papers wishing to reveal that he is happily married, and lives a pretty great family life, and has had no extra-marital affairs. "Got to look like one of the lads" he says in court documents. The footballer, married with two lovely children, is said to pick his kids up from school after training, and play with them, in one case even helping them with their homework. "I shall not have my footballing reputation tarnished with the revelation I'm a good husband and father" the documents sum up with.

Lord Alan Sugar has a super-injunction based on the fact that, according to insider sources at Sugar Palace, he consumes nothing but swan (whilst murmuring appreciation of the Queen) and lobster (Which he is said to eat with a specially constructed miniature trident whilst pretending he is sea-god Poseidon). "This could severely damage my reputation as a tough, East-End boy made good, you see? Slanderous against my good name!" he said, in his crisp, Oxford English, before slipping back into his alternative cockney tongue and stealing away into the night.

Richard Littlejohn, the Daily Mail columnist, has a court order banning anyone from mentioning the fact that he has over 730 signed posters of himself, addressed to himself ("To Richard, all the best, Richard Littlejohn"), hanging on the walls of his house, saying "they were all for my nephew, Richard.". Also, he has banned the UK press from commenting on the fact that, in Holland, all toilet bowls are required to be scale models of his face, despite the fact that this is well known elsewhere.

Celebrity poet, Lord Alfred Tennyson, has a still valid super-injunction preventing anyone in the press from revealing his addiction to snuff, his petrifying fear of pith helmets, and his crippling dyslexia. The 14 time poet of the year, and acclaimed author of Charge of the Light Brigade, said to the court "These could be very damaging to my reputation, and I really don't feel it's in the public interest to know about my minor foibles".

Lord Sainsbury has an injunction preventing the press from revealing that he actually ages at one four-thousandth the rate of a normal man, and once fought a stegosaurus to the death in the Triassic period. The ban also prevents the press from revealing some of his lighter contributions to the world, as he invented squash and was chief weaver on the great "Bayeux Tapestry" project of the 11th century.

Legal star Cicero has an outstanding record of garnering super-injunctions for his clients and, indeed, himself. It wasn't until the 2000 year clause he put into his own super-injunction expired that we could learn of it, and it is that he stopped the press talking about his record of super-injunction verdicts by judges. He famously got Lucius Licinius Murena off electoral bribery, but he also got a super-injunction preventing anyone from mentioning it (On pain of death by lion), until he published his book "Pro Murena", a series of essays on his speeches. This was to become a staple of his successful court cases in the future, which we only found out recently, leading to his nickname "Marcus Gaggius".

Some (Or more realistically, all) of these may not be true. But since the public isn't allowed to know facts anymore, it seems that making up lies is the last thing we have left. I don't much care for celebrity tattle-tales, but one day, something important is going to be withheld from us on the grounds of privacy with these precedents set, and that is a thought I cannot bear.


Facts about super-injunctions! The super-injunction is the precursor to the next legal level, a super-duper-injunction. I wish I could tell you more about the SDI, but then I'd have to kill you. Given the number of celebrities who have them for infidelity, they are commonly referred to as "Blooper-injunctions". 2 famous cows have Mooper-injunctions, whilst several A-list potatoes have Tuber-Injunctions.

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