Monday, 2 May 2011

Royale Wedding with Cheese.

Wasn't it AMAZING? Wasn't she gorgeous in THE dress?! Wasn't it AMAZING!? Obviously, these aren't things you'd be thinking if you were Syrian ambassador to Britain, who had his invitation revoked last-minute, as punishment for his nation's regime brutally murdering protestors. We Brits are fickle, if you're going to go around, shooting political dissidents, well, you're not going to be invited to our weddings. Or, in the case of Zimbabwe and South Africa, play cricket or rugby with us. That's right, if you want to come to royal weddings and/or play sports with us, you better clean up your act. That's why the middle east is such a mess, clearly. They don't play cricket or rugby, and they have no interest in attending out royal weddings. Still, the ambassador said it was "Embarrassing", and if there's one thing likely to stop a dictator shooting citizens, that'll definitely be "Embarrass his ambassador". It's rule one of the "How to Deal with Despots for Dummies" book. "We weren't invited to the wedding? Whatever will the world think of the human-rights abusing Syrian government now!? We're ruined!" etc.

Still, I think this is taking away from the magnificent opulence of the occasion, the trifling issue of a civil uprising, and isn't this wedding meant to make us forget that there is anything other than sheer joy and happiness in the world? Before I watched it, I doubted such a thing could be possible, but after watching it, I emerged with a beatific smile and the outward radiance of the thousand glowing suns that warmed my heart's cockles to such extreme temperatures that I was veritably burning with delight, and from this zen-like plane of joy that I now exist on, I cannot see the poor or hungry or ill in the world. Buddhists all over the world will have watched and felt they wasted their lives pursuing happiness that the marriage of two total strangers could give them in a single day.

I certainly think this lived up to the hype in the papers as "The most important event ever to occur in the entire history of humanity", and that Kate is, unarguably, the single most attractive woman to have ever walked the Earth, and possibly the prettiest being in all of our universe. I didn't think it could match up to that level of expectation, but in fact, if you could capture my delight at the event and sell it, you would instantly cure not only depression, but also make it stop raining, make any hair totally manageable on any occasion, and cut crime by 122%. The 22% is people doing extra good deeds because they're so happy. That's how potent this delight is.

Of course, it was a VERY opulent event. Here are some facts about the Royal Wedding, in statistic form: All the choir boys were specially castrated for the wedding, they had to prepare 12 years in advance and plant oak trees in strategic locations across the Abbey and over 6000 square feet of red carpet were required for the floor. 600 elephants had to be slain to get enough perfect ivory for the keys on the organ, and cumulatively, from their homes, the guests traveled round the Earth 4 times to get to the wedding. More horses died in the Royal Wedding than in the Grand National. Some, or all, of these statistics, may be wrong. I make no guarantees about accuracy of facts.

It's a well-known fact that little or no actual news happened on this most joyous of days, as soldiers fell, weeping, to their knees, and disarmed themselves in glorious celebration of the marriage, and poverty-stricken nations found themselves inundated with, not food, but the milk of human kindness, a viable food alternative (Nutritional content including 100% of your RDA of joy, and 0% of everything else), whilst earthquake-and-hurricane devastated areas paused for a day as they thought how lucky they were to be living in a time where two people they didn't know could get married in a foreign country. Any actual newsworthy events committed were presumably by people who didn't find out about the wedding beforehand, and, as a gesture of goodwill, these events will be reclassified to have occurred on Thursday the 28th of April, and the people involved will not be punished.

No comments:

Post a Comment