Saturday, 19 February 2011

It's like there's more News everyday!

Look out in the Middle East! In the midst of more violence, largely because of that whole ill-thought out "Shoot at the protesters! That'll make them like me more!" fallacy that dictators cling to more ferociously than a balding 50 year old clings to his youth by driving a bright red ferrari and sleeping with a trophy wife (Cindi, 22 from Essex.), William Hague has come out and said that he's... "Deeply concerned"! You tell 'em champ. Knock 'em dead. He then delivered the killer blow of condemning the genocide as "unacceptable violence" in his statement. Woomph! Take that! They're sure to stop now. Just give it a little time to let William Hague's fervent damnation of their actions to sink in (It's hard for them to pick things like this up, because their hands are slippy from all that blood on them). I think we can all surely rest easy knowing that William "The Haguester" Hague (Haguester was his school nickname, but at university he was correctly renicknamed "International criminal court", shortened to ICC.) is on the case. (As an actually politically important aside, internationally we've been cheerfully funding these nations whilst condemning them simultaneously. It's akin to giving a toddler a chocolate bar and telling he's being very naughty. But imagine your toddler was playing with nuclear warheads and committing genocide instead of smearing crayon on the walls.)

Sarah Brown has come out in support of her husband, former Prime minister Gordon Brown, whom she said was "Misunderstood", which I think is a fair representation of events. In fact, I'm pretty certain he would have done marginally better at the polls if he were, literally, constantly misunderstood, giving all of his speeches in a confusing, homemade dialect he liked to call "Broonian", of which there were no other competent speakers on planet Earth. At the very least, the time spent decoding his gibberish in post-speech analysis (Hosted by Andy Gray) would have distracted from his party's terrible decade of power. "I'm pretty certain "The cow piano giraffed the Yugoslavian princess" means he fully accepts some responsibility for the deregulation of the markets which allowed the catastrophic collapse of the economy, Karen. Over to Jim now for some analysis of the second paragraph." (As an aside, the economy collapsed more quickly and damningly than an Australian top order in the 2010/11 Ashes series. Bop. Take that, Australia). Still, it's nice to have someone come out in support of you, and I for one feel Gordon Brown was so tragically unlucky during his whole reign that he could have been in the middle of an empty field, taken one step, plunged his foot directly into a cow pat, sworn, then had a piano drop on his head. That's how unlucky he was. That said, he displayed the greatest putdown of the whole campaign with "you can't airbrush your policies like you airbrush your posters!". Bop! Take that David! He swiftly followed up with the old classic "I don't come down to YOUR work and tell you how to clean toilets!" (A frontbencher's traditional line of attack, having first been used by Gladstone against Disreali in 1892).

Prisoners have been demanding compensation for not being allowed to vote (Thank you, Brussels) but a high court judge ruled this week that none was forthcoming. As far as I can logically see, we give them every opportunity to vote, we set up a polling booth in their area, but did they BOTHER to turn up at their local primary school/ Church? I don't think so! Sure, they'll claim they were kept away by squadrons of guards and several thick, locked doors, but we've all had times we've been struck by voter apathy and it's easier to say we were locked behind bars for commiting crimes rather than openly admit to our disenfranchisement. If anyone asks me, I didn't vote in the last election because I was held hostage by the FARC group of South America. (I'm joking, I did actually vote, and by the looks of it, I was roughly one of about 40 people under the age of 20 who did).

Clegg versus Cameron, the highly awaited sequel to Alien Versus Predator, has kicked off this week, with Clegg urging people to vote for AV and Cameron urging people against it. Ridley Scott's latest venture was rated 18 for excessive political rhetoric by the BBFC who called some scenes "Distressing alterations of the truth" and in some cases "Disturbing scenes of outright lying". The unexpected third character, a highly-secret Hollywood addition, was Ed Milliband who defied his evil Labour overlord, Margaret Beckett, in coming out in favour of AV. "I know Margaret won't be happy about this" he said nervously at the press release, before Beckett swooped in from the roof and devoured his head before escaping into the ventilation systems. Labour should know better than to give press conferences on abandoned spaceships. I can only imagine this ending well for the coalition, with the winner (I'm hoping Clegg wins and we get at least the pretence of a fair voting system) will be at a press conference gloating, forming an L on his forehead with his finger and thumb, humming "Na-na-na-nana" and whispering "Loser says what?" so that Cameron doesn't hear him and says "What?".

Also in the news a while ago, which I've just remembered now, but it was funny at the time (And still is), and thus, I will link you to the story here, was that Ed Milliband admitted he was "A bit square" as a youth. In other news, the grass is green and the sky is blue. Yes, this was another incisive political interview with Piers Morgan, whereupon he asked such damning questions as "What's your scheme for evading the economic implosion that our system, which is wilfully and recklessly fuelled by borrowing, will inevitably cause in future? Surely you must agree tighter regulation of banking sectors and a separation of the riskier aspects of financial investment from the more traditional high street banks is required to help mitigate some of the risks involved in debt-trading?". Oh no. Wait, no, that wasn't what he asked. He asked "What would you do if you came on Britain's Got Talent?" and instead of responding "Use oratory rhetoric to sway a notoriously fickle public away from David Cameron's shiny face and onto my shiny policies", or the more stinging "Wonder where my life took such a disastrously wrong turn" he said "I used to be good at Rubik's Cube.". A real vote earner at the height of its popularity in the 1970s (Margaret Thatcher was elected on the back of her 4 successive UK Rubik's Cube speed championships) it seems almost outdated these days.

To those of you saying "Isn't America's deep south poverty stricken and largely neglected by politics? I remember how slowly Bush reacted to Hurricane Katrina" I've got good news! They get some things that other places would kill for. How often have you been wandering the hallways of your educational establishment and thought "This is nice, but I wish there were more airborne mammals in here."? Well, wish no more, for you could enroll at the school mentioned in this story which features bats flying round the 3rd story. Also in the original plans were Flying squirrels in every classroom which had a 1 in the number and sugar gliders on every second storey. Sadly however, these little spoilsports stopped the whole "Bats in school 2011!" campaign by protesting outside until the 3rd storey was closed off. Those monsters.

I will stress now, although technically the stories featured here are true, they may easily be shrouded in what can only be described as an intricate wicker basket of lies, holding the eggs of truth directly from the chickens of verisimilitude who reside in the coop of veracity.


David Cameron has proposed a radical shake-up of the NHS, suggesting that if Doctors could be accountants, then accountants could be doctors. "They can learn on the job" he said of the accountants, including that it would be a financial boon and that they would also keep their GP Surgeries fiscally sound. Confusingly, David Cameron responded to all questions from the press by doing nothing but quoting the 1998 Shania Twain single "That don't impress me much". On being asked if he really thought accountants could adequately do the job of doctors he replied "Okay, so you're a General Practitioner, that don't impress me much" seemingly deliberately misquoting the Canadian songstress. "So you've got the brains but have you got the touch?" he said. "Now don't get me wrong, yeah I think they're alright. But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night." he replied on being asked if he was deliberately setting up the NHS to fail. "You think you're a genius, you drive me up the wall!" he blasted at one press officer who queried his methods for the NHS, and in particular GPs, by quoting the ennobled Canadian (Order of Canada) back at the prime minister with "C'mon baby tell me, you must be jokin', right?". Mr Cameron then stormed out with a final retort, "Okay, so whatta you think, you're Elvis or something?".

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