Sunday, 13 February 2011


Good news, just as you thought I'd left this to die, I decided to revive it. Very cheerfully. In my new guise of "Sultan of Satire", I'm looking at the NEWS.

President Mubarak is gone from power in Egypt. On the plus side, this time popular opinion against an Egyptian leader didn't lead to the now-traditional 9 plagues and the death of the first-born, so we can be thankful for that. Thousands of people camped out in Tahrir Square to see Mubarak kicked out, but thousands of Egyptian cattle camped out in a field to oust their leader, President Moobarak.

Egypt, of course, has been in a state of emergency since 1967. That's quite the emergency. That's like your house burning down for 43 years. "That's about how long it would take the British police force to arrive nowadays! I bet they called in 1967 and they're only arriving now!" cry the Daily Mail fan-club. Egypt of course a former British colony. We really resorted to the Catholic method when we dismantled the empire: Just pull out and hope for the best.

President Mubarak must have found that was a gig that turned on him quickly. Don't open by introducing yourself to a nation in the midst of a national emergency and try to let your set be shorter than 30 years. It's that 30th year that'll kill you. Still, a lot of people have been wondering what ol' President Mubarak will get up now that he's been forcibly retired, and I for one am looking forward to his upcoming solo album, "Hosni Sings the Blues".

There's not been time for other news, so this story of the MP's wife who stole a kitten from his mistress has been cruelly underplayed in the media, despite the fact it's a cracking story. I should stress, she denies all claims against her, but if I were making up allegations against MP's spouses, I wouldn't immediately head towards kitten-theft so there is probably something in it. I can just imagine Westminster gently mewling as the tonnes of stolen loot play in the halls of power. "I thought you said this was the last time I had to hide a stolen kitten at work!" "You should have thought about that before you had the affair!".

This isn't the only animal-based news (Big week for animal-based stupid stories this week) because of this story, which is of course, a man smuggling 22 squirrels out of Thailand. But that wasn't enough of a challenge, so he also added in more than 37 snakes. 143 turtles of various descriptions. Oh, and a parrot. Obviously. Essentially he tried to smuggle a zoo through customs. "And if you'll look in this suitcase, you'll see the lion enclosure. Look out, though, Simba's a biter" he reportedly said to authorities. That report was from my imagination, sadly.

Sarah Palin, it was revealed, has tried to trademark her own name. Some people self-publish, some people name a yacht after themselves, but trademarking your own name has to be the ultimate act of vanity. I can only assume she's licensing it to Hasbro to release a limited run of "Political Barbie". Pull the string and watch as it spouts curiously folksy nonsense combined with propoganda so right-wing the only supporters of it died in Berlin in 1945.

David Cameron has been in the news saying state multiculturalism doesn't work, despite the fact he cheerfully admitted talking to a black man who, by David Cameron's numbers, joined the navy when he was 11. What could be more British than child labour and a strong navy? (This was a reference to the TV debates, if you can remember that far back). Hasn't he integrated well enough?

He also had spectacularly bad timing with this speech, choosing to do it on the same day as the English Defence League marched through Luton. The English Defence League, by the way, originally were named "Prematurely-Bald 40-60 year old divorcees Unite!" but found EDL rolled off the tongue better. Fortunately, the police always knew where they were, because the hundreds of bald heads created a shimmering mirror as bright as a million candles wherever they went. Lots of people were wondering why the EDL marched at all, but I suppose they have to practice their goose-stepping sometime.

David Cameron told us we needed a stronger British identity. Was this a coded reference to restarting the Empire? Egypt's looking dodgy, Sudan's just split, I reckon we could take them. I'll dig out my pith helmet. I think I left it here, under Britain's increasing obsolescence on the international stage and a growing sense of dissatisfaction with international politics.

David Cameron has also been preaching his Big Society ideal to us some more. He knows it's working, because people are literally paying to volunteer to work so libraries and stuff must be packed out. This, of course, is the news that people were paying for internships at the Tory Ball. It's like a slave auction in reverse. "I'll work for you for £2,000!" "Yeah, well, I'll pay £2,200 to work here!".

Last story, South Sudan has voted to secede from its northern partner. It's been an unnatural marriage from the start (Partially due to the fact the vicar who married them handcuffed them together. And was Britain.) but North Sudan must be wondering what went wrong. "all I did was occasionally beat her and steal her oil reserves!" he thinks. So the decades of civil war look sure to stop (Having ceased on the proviso of this secession election), and the South, hopefully, will start to develop based on the huge income it'll have due to its oilfields. Good luck, South Sudan!

Now that we've covered the real news, time for the made up stories!

Nick Griffin is releasing a new book entitled "Nick Griffin: Political Leper", inspired by how desperately both sides of the Alternative Vote campaigns are avoiding him. Featuring such quotes as "Blacks aren't under-represented in Parliament, they're over-represented in Society." and "I suppose if you asked me today, I would say the Holocaust happened, but I'm not totally convinced."

Russia's public broadcasting corporation has started production on its new countryside radio drama with the following preview leaflet '"The AЯCHEЯS", a New communist show about life in the comfortable countryside of Russia. "Dig comrades! Dig for Russia!"'

And that's the news. Saves reading the papers, doesn't it?

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