Thursday, 17 February 2011

More News (Might become regular)

Sorry, there's so much news I literally couldn't help but condense it into a series of meandering and ultimately uninformative paragraphs full of self-indulgent whimsy and no more than a teaspoonful of self-awareness. The perfect recipe for a blog post, then.

The Government backed down on its plan to sell off the forests. "It's what we've always said, we're not selling the forest." said a spokesperson. Being a leading politician losing a key issue is a lot like being on the wrong side of a marital argument, you have to endure a humiliating comedown and then pretend that it was what you wanted all along. "I've always wanted to see Warsaw in winter, and being with him/her gave me the chance to do that!". Although, to extend this metaphor, your partner would have to call you "out of touch" from the other side of the building built in the 11th century surrounded by armed guards. If you look out of touch to the people on the other side of that room, imagine how you look to voters.

In other news that will affect approximately 4% of Britain's 8 to 13 year olds and literally no-one else, Panda Pops are ceasing production (As an aside the 8-13 year old demographic is key to anyone looking to shift low quality carbonated beverages. Sadly, in recent years Barr has cornered this market quietly yet efficiently, closing Panda out of the market. Just the other day I was reminiscing on the fact I hadn't seen a Panda Pop in nigh on 5 years whilst walking past a selection of Barr's bottled beverages. Come to think of it, I don't think I've seen Kia-Ora or Um Bungo in ages either. Bring back British childhoods. Starburst to go back to being called Opal Fruits for a start.

Of course, this was also the week of Valentine's day, a now traditional ritual of doubt in your own relationship combined with a nagging fear of being single. Particularly high selling cards this year were "You're the BEST! That I can do." and "Let's stick together! For economic reasons." compared with pre-bust era cards including "Let's have more kids: We can afford it" and "Let's get that new kitchen together on credit!". This only applies if you're in a relationship. If you are not, it is a time for quiet contemplation on why you're so desperately alone. There's plenty of fish in the sea, but you don't appear to be at the sea, you're in the middle of the desert holding a fishing rod and looking confused. Either way, it's a day of the extreme of desperately pretending you're happy with your relationship status.

I'm getting bored of the political upheavals and increasing protests in the middle east, so we can safely say that the following North African and Middle-Eastern countries are doing what I call "Pulling a Tunisia": All of them. Except Iraq. We brought democracy over there and handed it over ourselves. The whole region is wobblier than a drunkard unexpectedly finding himself on a treadmill without handles. Wait no, news JUST in, would you believe. If I had a reporter in Iraq, I'd be switching to him as he hurriedly threw on his tie and stepped in front of camera. But since we can safely assume I don't, I'll just tell you the northern region of Kurdistan appears to be undergoing similar strife to everywhere else, with the now traditional dictator-staple of firing on innocent protesters in order to quell dissent, rather than addressing your flaws as a leader (Firing on civilians is generally considered quite the world leader faux pas). I've said it before and I'll say it again, world dictators: Go big or go home. Stalin showed you have to rule with the iron fist (Cheerfully referred to as the "crushing boot of freedom" by absolutely no-one) from the get-go or be generally benevolent. Half-hearted genocide is worse than quietly leaving or instilling fear in a generation of citizens.

In news pretty much only applicable to people who pay attention to Scottish politics, Wendy Alexander, current holder of the much-coveted "Least successful Scottish Labour leader" (Only on a technicality, Gordon Brown put in a huge bid in 2010 only for judges to turn him away because he technically led the whole of the UK, not explicitly Scotland. The 10-time UK Chancellor of the year (1997 to 2007 unbeaten) is said to be appealing.) is retiring from active political service.

David Cameron also outlined his welfare reform, primarily resolving around making welfare a bare minimal punishment for having the misfortune to remain unemployed. That being said, career benefitees are now on the defensive with punishments for refusing work and a limit of a mere £26,000 of benefits (approximately average wage) for a household (Having had some ridiculous cumulative benefits like "Immigrants have 14 kids and can't fit in a normal house and thus have benefits of £4 million a year" - Daily Mail).

Obama is heading to the UK on a state visit. First presidential state visit since 2003. Perhaps under new leadership both nations can avoid celebrating the occasion by cheerfully invading a nation as they did in 2003. That being said, we've certainly sorted the Middle East now. Look at it now, a picture of stability, providing you think a wobbly table in a notorious earthquake zone is "Pretty solid".


The BBC have reacted angrily to cuts in their funding and have politically aspired to show nothing but reruns of the 1985-86 series of Only Fools and Horses (traditionally considered the worst season of the show), in retribution. BBC News reports "Whilst we cannot continue funding high quality programming, we can only show you highlights from yesteryear, including, but not necessarily limited to, Only Fools and Horses." but, when questioned further on what we could expect to see, a spokesperson added "You can expect to find several of our finer works in the TV schedules, but you might note a reliance on Only Fools and Horses." and later admitted under intense grilling from one intrepid reporter that "We found that the vast majority of people could relate to Derek "Del Boy" Trotter, as they too, are out of work and willing to do odd jobs".

No comments:

Post a Comment