Sport Pull-out

It's Sunday, so it's logically time for a Sunday Sport pull out! As an added bonus, feel free to print this out, hide it in a newspaper of your choice, and then pull it out, so as to fully immerse yourself in the experience. I thought about also providing an unwanted "lifestyle" pull out for you, but if I did, the "New recipes" would be cheesey pasta and pie, the fashion segment would be a 400 word torrent of fawning affection for the humble chino and the Hollywood star we interviewed would be Nicolas Cage, who would tell us that his favourite character in Toy Story is Bo Peep.

We start with the UEFA Champions' League, for which the top four clubs in England qualify, technically making it the UEFA "Champions or quite close to being champions" league. If you don't want to know the score, forget how to read now. The biggest match for the neutral would have been Arsenal versus Barcelona. Who can forget the 2006 final between these two clubs? That finished 2-1, with two late goals from Barca to turn it around, but this time, it was Arsenal who turned the tables on the Catalans, knocking in two goals in the dying minutes to take away a victory. It was the biggest upset in terms of bookmakers since George successfully defeated the Dragon (Admittedly on points after 15 rounds. The dragon claimed that George's suit of armour was an unfair advantage, to which George replied "You what?! You can breathe fire and are a mythical flying lizard mate. People who live in glass houses and all that!" to which the Dragon replied "Did you just call me mythical?!" and George retorted in a surly manner "You heard what I said." before the Dragon stormed out of the press conference.) however, George V Dragon was not a two-legged home and away affair, more of a one-off cup final, so we'll see if Arsenal can hold their lead in the Nou Camp.

The other big result for an English club in Europe came at the San Siro, where Tottenham secured a vital away win with a 1-0 triumph over the Italian side AC Milan. A good performance at White Hart Lane could see them into the quarter finals, and hovering in the top 4 in the premier league. It could well end up being the most unforgettable season in Tottenham's history, excluding the brief period where they signed Moses on a 6 month loan from the Egyptians, whereupon he notched up 32 goals in 18 games with his trademark mix of creative flair and miraculous skill. The one-time Tablet Carrier of the year invigorated what was a flagging Tottenham side into an FA cup final appearance. Memorable stuff, I don't imagine you've forgotten it.

Nothing exciting happened in the premier league, so the whole world exploded with unbelievable fervour at the fact that Wayne Rooney scored a goal from open play. Everyone is shocked, since he's scored one other open play goal, against West Brom, that Rooney can still hit a ball into a net, despite the fact that for several months it appears some has been replacing his boots with ones made out of lead, coated in teflon, then tied the laces together surreptitiously.

Cricket world cup news now, and the 4000 match, 22 year tournament has been branded "Too long", by some players including England captain Andrew Strauss. "Please," he said at a press conference. "I just want to see my kids again.". I'm joking, of course, the tournament is 49 matches and 6 weeks long, despite the fact that only 14 teams are playing in the tournament. The FIFA World Cup had 64 matches, but had 32 teams in it. In a matches to teams ratio (The best way to judge any international sporting event, I find) the cricket world cup comes in at 3.5, whilst the football comes in at a mere 2. The rugby world cup, for comparative purposes, comes in with a 2.5 ratio. Clearly, the Cricket World Cup is preposterously long, and we could dedicate some of that time to playing proper, test cricket instead.

No time for Six Nations news, but since there are no games this week, I promise to consider devoting a large segment of the next sports pull out to it next week with update info from the games, one of which I shall actually be at.

MADE UP SPORTS NEWS

Jesus v Judas at Madison Square Gardens, it's the fight Christians have been waiting nearly two thousand years for, killing their time with rather one-sided "lions versus humans" match-ups, lions having won 402387 to humans 2 or 3*! Plenty of bad blood between these two, the prize money for winning this fight was a very deliberately chosen 15 shekels. Both men are aged, both having had the small disadvantage of being dead for nearly two millenia (Prompting some to call this a publicity stunt for money, like the Holyfield comeback), but then again, Jesus never lets a nagging doubt like having died get to him. Who can forget his Easter bout with Pontius Pilate, the Roman judge having captured and killed Jesus several days prior to the fight, was caught off guard by him turning up to the fight at all, and was clearly rattled, ruining a good solid defensive game which saw him competing for Flyweight champion of Nazareth with Jesus, four-time bantamweight champion and undead boxer of the year, who had switched down weight classes following his 40 day starvation in the desert. Judas, of course, had put all his shekels on Pilate, also thinking Jesus' deadness might ruin his boxing skills. Judas is himself a good fighter, having been the de facto bouncer at all of Jesus' bigger gigs in his youth, but Judas is largely considered more of a dirty, street-fighter than Jesus' purist style. No bets on this bout, the fight being refereed by God's laws (An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, stoning to any woman who steps inside the ring, the usual stuff), so we're looking forward to the fight, Jesus "The Bearded Bruiser" Christ versus Judas "Flaming Chariot" Iscariot, it certainly promises to be a big one.

*A footnote! Oooh, get me. The 2 known victories are Daniel, most famously, then Androcles. You know. Of Androcles and the lion? Yeah, THAT Androcles. Disputed is Hercules versus the Nemean lion, in which Hercules technically won, however, he isn't really a human. Tough one to call, as the Nemean lion was apparently invulnerable, so perhaps it should be ruled a null and void contest. Lions are notoriously competitive, they won't let this sort of thing slide.